4/17 - Birthdays

Last night I had a whole friendship/birthday meltdown. The girl whose bday/wedding it was texted me saying she wanted to thank me for coming and was going to drop off something today or tomorrow.

At first, I was like uhm it’s kind of insulting taking me out of her whatsapp group and then coming to give me a box. But I think the sane part of me is like she was probably hurting that I didn’t go if she overthought it that level. And something tells me she’s being genuine, so I shouldn’t stretch this out either and just drop it. She’s not a big fan of tension, so having this tension would just ruin her events.
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Anyways, I still had a meltdown because I didn’t know how I wanted to celebrate my bday in a way that would make me happy. The past 3 years were spent with boyfriends and every year is spent with friends. But I’m outgrowing my friends and need space from them.

So this birthday feels alone. 

I’ve never spent my bday alone so idk if I’m ready for it. Idk if I’ll be happy spending it alone by going on a solo trip.

I could spend it with my mom, but I don’t feel taken care of by her. It doesn’t feel like a birthday. It feels like I’m forcing a celebration. Especially since I’m the one that does all the work with ordering and paying.

I could have her make homemade stuff. 

I don’t feel like I can be myself with my friends right now and I don’t want to spend my birthday with people I don’t like or with people that don’t fill my cup.

So I really don’t know what the perfect way to spend my birthday would be that would genuinely make me happy.

I do know for sure that I need to start my content series before my birthday. That’s when I’ll be proud of myself. So trying to think more on how I want to celebrate my birthday.

And just need to remember as long as I’m true to myself… I’ll attract the people that are meant for me. God is always with me no matter what. So I can never be alone. Plus when you do level up in frequencies, it’s natural to leave behind people that don’t radiate the same level. So honestly it’s true when people say you’re a combination of your 5 closest friends.

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In the morning, my SF friends and I planned a trip to palm springs after