4/16 - Healing my anxious attachment
Lately I’ve been feeling really anxious with one of my friends. The one that I thought was mad at me but then we talked it out.
This friend was always the type to always say yes to hanging out, always answered my call at the first ring, answered right away, and was just always available for literally 15 years that I’ve known her.
But now, she’s usually sleeping or drained to answer. Has work stuff, and just is overall depressed. I didn’t know this information the first time which is why I tripped up the first time and thought she was ready to cut me off because I’ve only seen her do this to guys she no longer cares about.
But then when she texted me and told me she was just really depressed, it all made sense. She told me she would never cut me off because I mean so much to her.
I was just tripping with anxious attachment for no reason because of the change in behavior. And as a Taurus, inconsistency is my biggest pet peave, especially since I’m hyper aware of people’s actions.
The same thing happened today. She said she couldn’t hang out because she had work calls, so my anxious attachment style was like they probably talked about me at the bridesmaid dinner. Wow, I’m about to lose all my friends.
And part of my brain was like I just know, she’s losing her attachment with me because of her behavior changes. That’s how I would justify it with guys too. I would just know they weren’t acting the same.
But then I had to be like dude she said she loves me, and I literally didn’t do anything. If anything we agreed that everyone else was tripping.
Yes, there is a change in behavior, but it’s because she’s depressed.
People can’t be just as intense with their emotions with me. I’m not even like that. Some days I love my mom and friends so much and other days I just need to be alone to focus on my dreams.
With my moody friend, us not talking for days doesn’t bug me because it’s consistent with her behavior. This friend going from being available for 15 years to change in behavior was tripping me up. Made me feel like I did something wrong or I wasn’t loveable anymore if someone that loved me for so long doesn’t “care” about me.
And this is crazy because now my other friend’s behavior makes sense to me. I feel like this was my karma for judging her anxious attachment style. Now I get her and myself with guys.
Sure there are times where I can feel a loss of feelings, but also I trip over the slightest change in behavior and self-sabotage. The difference is if it’s change of behavior because of internal conflict, it’s temporary and it comes back to normal. Loss of feelings does not. I need to say consistent and let time tell. Me getting tripped up around is too is what makes me do things out of fear which doesn’t align with my highest self.
So solution is need to relax, think postive, give space, stay consistent, and time will tell.
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Today was mainly working all day and did get my steps in as well.
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Update on this, so it was the girl who got married's bday, and one thing about me is I don’t mess with bdays. So I went dispite knowing it was going to be super awkward and it really was, it was genuinely the longest hour of my life.
My best friend earlier in the morning messaged me saying she got what I said and respected my decision. I’m sure she’s still mad up whatever.
Also getting kicked out of someone’s bridesmaid hurts but at the same time, I didn’t want her to be a part of mine. I don’t even want to be a part of another girl’s bridal party.
Because I don’t mess with their vibes, and I want my bridal party to be people I love and adore and can be myself with.
So overall, it’s whatever I wanted to happen so I’m not mad. But it was definitely a bold thing to do. And that’s okay, it’ll feel out of my comfort zone but also needed.
I did feel very alone today though, and I knew that was going to happen.
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On the bright side, I don’t have to see anyone until June now, which is the girls wedding, and then July until my other friend’s bday. Definitely need space from everyone.
And that’s a good thing, time to just focus on myself, pour the love on myself and hustle by doing things that make me happy. Right now feels off, but I know this is what I needed to love myself.
And honestly, f them and worrying about if they care about me. I don’t want people in my life like that, so I don’t care about what they think of me. I care about what I think of them.
5/10 - Today felt hard navigating friendships
Intuition - Detaching from friendships is also needed from me.
Energy:
40% - working
60% - dealing with my anxious attachment and drama
