3/2 - Hardest decision
Today and tomorrow literally I feel like I’m being forced to do the hardest thing for myself. I’ve always had a hard time saying “no” in relationships or being the one to end it. Idk I just never had it in me. I’ve always struggled with it because then I start thinking about the other person’s feelings, ignoring mine.
Last night, my mom and dad decided to say no to the arrange dude. But I kept wavering if I should give him a fair shot even though my gut is highly saying no, and I kept wishing it would go away on its own. Just so I wouldn’t have to say no myself and confront the situation. I kept feeling bad. I still feel bad, but then finally made peace with the fact that okay if my parents are saying no, whatever, I’ll just listen to them, and if this guy is meant for me, he’ll come into my life in any way. Mentally, I still wasn’t able to say no. Even though I know in my heart I should.
And then TODAY right before my mom was about to call them, he messaged me IG, which stressed me the fuck out. Cause the one thing I was avoiding is the thing I have to do now. I literally have to make a decision and say no myself. I’ve always known what the decision is, I just have a feeling he’s not my person, but now I have to say no. Literally something I’ve been avoiding for years. I’m still scared to send the message tomorrow. literally still shaking, but I have a feeling this is my test. And I have to remind myself that one I don’t even know him, so I can’t possibilly hurt his feelings. If roles, were reversed, he would have done the same, and the version of me that’s rich and successful, would be like why him? I worked so hard on myself, he has shown nothing to show me he deserves me. Good men are abundant for me, and like my dad says you can’t just keep saying yes to everyone cause you’re scared. And in my heart, I know he doesn’t deserve the most successful version of me. I’ll get better people.
If I knew my person was one rejection away, would I reject him? Yes. Maybe deep down I’m scared that I won’t ever get my dream person or that I’ll miss him, which is why I always feel scared saying no.
But not saying no, and not listening to my intuition has always been my regret. I know I need to say no. And what’s meant for me will never miss me, no matter what. I literally have strong feelings for this being a no, and that’s okay because all my life I’ve wasted my time trying to be fair and reasonable with guys, when I knew the answer in my heart.
I have to stay strong here. This is my test. I keep saying I’ve healed. Healed also means having the strength to say no to the wrong people, and putting my own feelings above anyone else’s.
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Another thing, last night I decided that If i trust the current version of me to make the best decisions for myself in relationships and that I didn’t trust my old version, then the current version of me should read old text messages between me and N to see what I would do. And that’s when I realized that we honestly lacked depth. There was no soulmate type of connection, I feel like I was delulu about that.
I’m keeping myself stuck. The current me would have been like yeah whatever. The focus was still on him, not me.
Literally the theme of my past 3 days is who gives a fuck what they feel. What do I feel?
It’s time to literally break free from everyone. I’m the center of my world.
And again the reason why I don’t think the arrange dude is my person either is because he makes sense for current me, not future me. I’m picking someone for future me. I don’t need anyone for current me.
And with N, I’ve been fantasizing that way more. The bottom line was that he literally only cared about himself, and continued to do what he needed to do. My future person just wouldn’t. My future person cares about me and worries about me, and puts his ego aside to made sure I’m good. N never did that. N is not my person.
I also have a slight urge to kill the old me. Like I’m starting to feel more and more disconnected with old me.
Besides all this, mom and I went on a cute date. We went to do see the India Bloom exhibit at the botanical garden. I like how our relationship is healing to another level. Where before I would just take her to take her, but now I took her because she was the person I wanted to go with. She living for the first time too, with these experiences, and I wanted her to have the best time. I took tons of pictures of her, and people took pictures of us. It felt wholesome, and just her explaining things from India that were in the exhibit.
I really do see the difference one year has made for us. I love her.
9/10 - Had a good morning, was slightly stressed, but I feel better knowing I know what I need to do.
Intuition - It’s my test to have the guts to say no. I have to say no.
