3/4 - Good labels hurt too

I’ve just been feeling so overwhelmed lately and just overstimulated. Almost just like I just need to scream or cry. For reason, I almost feel like I’m taking on other people’s emotions, so the weight feels heavier, and then just every constant notification on my phone is driving me crazy.

Woke up still feeling heavy and just drained. And honestly, this feels like a very humbling experience. I don’t think ever felt this down. Like I physically can’t even hang out with more than 2 people at once. It just feels like too much. Literally also can’t be a part of any group chats right now, and all this started with my friend’s wedding day. I feel like I haven’t been able to bring my cortisol levels down after that day and this whole thing with the arrange guy was super triggering.

I’m actually very happy that the final decision ended up being mine because just having my parents involved in my life to that level was also a lot, and almost feel resentment, even though I made the last call. I don’t know how people that only listen to their parents live, like how do they not want to just scream and run away. I’m thankful that at the end of the day my parents said it’s up to me, but what about those people that feel like they should listen to their parents. Makes me wonder does N resent his dad?

How does N feel? How does arrange guy feel? How do my parents feel? How does my friend M feel? How does V feel? Just absorbing how everyone feels is getting too much. Idk if it’s the period, but I feel like I just want to cry for everyone. I have this overwhelming guilt of all the pain I’ve caused other people, while trying not to. And idk where this is all coming from because I used to have some sort of thick skin where I’d be like I needed to do what I needed to do. And I don’t want to be this soft, that’s not how the world runs. My mom once used this label to describe me “she’s respectful and nice” and my dad said “she doesn’t hurt anyone” and these labels keep echoing in my head. Almost like I have to stand up to those labels.

My dad saying I can’t hurt anyone is what’s making me rethink if I did hurt people. And my mom saying I’m nice and respectful, kept making me try to do the right thing even when I needed to do the opposite for myself.

I never thought I’d say this but I feel like them thinking highly of me is actually hurting me because I feel even more burdened to do the right thing, so I don’t disappointment them. The worse part is they said these words so casually.

Right now, I rather have them say she gets what she needs to get done, and she makes mistakes. I rather be imperfect.

And then at work, I started getting super overwelhmed with all the different things going on. It feels worse when I’m like this is trash but I don’t have the energy to fix it. Again with the labels of being a perfectist, it hurts to let anything that’s not up to my par be released.

2/10 - I feel like I was having a mental breakdown today

Intuition - I need to relabel myself and have a convo with my mom. The labels I accept with my new identity.