9/23 - confidence
Today involved a couple of things. On my morning walk, I’m now trying to fix my posture and it’s just bringing a whole another level of confidence. I feel like a CEO. I feel like a boss, which is something I haven’t felt in the past year or two. I was always the youngest at work, so I was still “kid ish” and the baby. But recently, I’ve been so confident that my whole demeanor has changed to I know what I’m doing. My aura is changing.
While walking back home, in my podcast it said “anything that doesn’t bring peace, isn’t meant for you” which I agree with. J did not bring me peace. And deep in my soul I actually don’t want him. I know I deserve way better than him.
But then later today we went to go celebrate my friend finally turning into a PA, and her boyfriend sent us the official date she’s getting engaged. I’m finally coming to terms with her engagement because I know she went through her healing and this is the right time for her.
For me, it wasn’t the right time. I’m going through my healing now. And without it, I don’t even think it’s right for me ever get engaged. I’m just finding myself now.
But then another friend said she’s getting engaged next summer and that’s when I felt some type of way. It felt like “am I ever going to get my turn”.
This year was the year I wanted to get engaged. I wanted it so badly and the fact that it’s not happening almost feels like a joke. Should I be delulu enough to think a plot twist might happen? That J is going to realize how much he misses me and get back?
But then beyond the feelings, I’m like I really don’t want him though. Again, I know I can do better.
Why is the timeline pressure hitting me again? Even when I genuinely know it just wasn’t my time before. I really needed to grow. However just hearing everyone is getting engaged is giving me some sort of quiet anxiety because I can’t hide the fact that I wanted I too. But am now just coming to terms with it by force because I’m not getting it. It’s like I care but am forced not to care.
This feels a slight setback to my healing but I need to stay strong. Especially after last week, I know god is with me. I know the universe is on my side. I need to stay patient. My time is coming.
But I need to focus on myself right now. I need to heal and just pour all the love into myself.
7/10 - feel slightly low but I trust god
