3/28 - stop forcing success & period crash out

I went to a coffee shop in the morning and randomly just started thinking about how all my life I knew I had a larger purpose and that I was meant to do more, but I couldn’t put a finger on what. I was almost trying to force it by trying random ideas but they just didn’t feel aligned enough to keep going or put energy towards.

Me writing and teaching this literally genuinely feels aligned, and I just couldn’t have done this earlier because it was all building in the background. I had to go through all these terrible relationships, I had to feel insecurities with my safety, go through the whole delima with mom, and also just quit and heal. There was all timing to it all. Even know I’m finally content with my career to focus on my social media a bit more and other passions, if it happened earlier maybe I wouldn’t have the energy to quit corporate.

So it’s almost like a reminder to me right now too, I know I”m meant to live a big life and be successful, but maybe it’s just not my time right now? I can’t force it to come faster just because I know it’s going to happen. There are canon events involved. Same with knowing my purpose. Literally I couldn’t have done anything to make it come earlier. Right now is it’s time. It’s happen when it’s meant to happen. I just need to keep going because I know it’s going to happen. Whatever is meant for me can’t miss me.

Randomly, I also started to think about the most mind blowing realization. I kept thinking how I attracted N when literally I could fight my family for someone I loved and he didn’t. How did I attract that. But then realized that it’s about listening to our parents. I let my mom influence me at that time. She said I needed to get married earlier, and that’s where my timeline for hin came in. I was letting my mom control me/influence me and thought she was right. That’s what he did what his dad. So I did attract what I was. And idk why this has taken me so long to realize. It’s almost like this was the final piece of information I needed to realize to finally break free from my lesson with him.

Bad things didn’t just happen to me. Literally it’s everything I needed to heal about myself. Wild.

And I think I’m realizing this now because my karmic lessons are completing, and I almost feel an urge to start dating again.

Anyways the weather so beautiful today. I did have a super rushed morning with trying to get the photobooth background to the printer. Before picking mom up again, I went to trader joes and got flowers. It was so cute and just felt so springy.

Summer time chi really does bring me back to life. I went for a purple theme..

Anyways we got home, ate, and then I went on a walk. The sun was just great on my skin, everyone was out. I loved it. It was super windy. Originally I was going to take mom to the beach for a walk but decided against it to make sure she doesn’t get allergies again.

After the walk, I told mom I was going to take her to get pizza for dinner at this new york pizza spot.

We got there and I realized I’ve actually already been there. I was super excited to just go out with my mom and just buy her dinner. I like it when she gets to experience the finer things in life. We were in line and she saw they were using the same knife for everything and that’s when she got the ick and was like I don’t want it.

Idk what happened to me but I literally crashed out and got so mad. It’s not even because she got the ick, cause sometimes I would too. I think it’s because things didn’t go as I had planned they would. I almost had a tantrum and just was so upset. Deep down I knew I needed to chill and that maybe we could have just gone somewhere else, but on the outer layer is almost like I wanted to be mad and yell and just have a tantrum. Really just felt super disconnected to my body and just couldn’t control it. I was cranky. And I don’t like it. I don’t like the fact that literally I had a tantrum because wtf my mom is entitled to whatever she wants to do. If it was someone else would I have gotten this mad? I just feel like at any other time I would have been so calm and would have just been like mom it’s okay. What else should we get. But literally this was just sooo unnecessary.

And then I came home and just went to bed mad. At night I went up to her and told her I wasn’t mad at her, but I just don’t get where all that came from.

All I wanted to do was just cry. Also scary side not but I literally felt like I had ghost watching me at night and was super freaked out.

7/10 - Loved the sun, but wtf was up with my crash out.

Intuition - I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I’m just crashing out because of my hormones. I know it. But literally that’s not an excuse to crash out like that. I’m doing/saying things I don’t want to do. I don’t feel connected to my body.