3/21 - Boundaries in friendships

Lots of overthinking in the past 24 hours but also super tired. Idk I just feel like my tinniest triggers are coming out and I’m just exhausted in my routines.

Last night, I honestly had this sudden urge to want to go to concerts and just listen to good music. I think I’m just getting tired of my daily routines/checklists and just now feel like I need to spice things up and have some fun.

Idk If I covered this but me and my best friend haven’t been talking to each other. For over a month now, and this has never happened to us. Basically I was upset and just needed space from everyone, so didn’t talk to her. She never reached out either, and so we just stopped talking. But it almost feels like some tension. I always called her, so I told her I wasn’t going to call her anymore. And she literally never called.

She’s been reposting a lot of depressing stuff on Tiktok, so I reached out saying I was worried about her, kind of passive, but still at least I clearly mentioned I’m worried. She never answered that. Today I decided to give one last shot and just call her. I literally feel like someone that’s chasing her boyfriend because her boyfriend is being avoidant and almost ghosting.

It’s causing me anxiety. Like I want to just talk it out and figure out what’s going on. Me and my other friend don’t talk all the time but I internally know she loves me and we’ll eventually talk it out. This friend isn’t like that, she would rather rot and think about me for the rest of her life than talk about. This feel very similar to N tbh.

My test right now feels like I need to work through my anxious attachment style when I love someone. This was something I never saw coming with my childhood best friend. I actually don’t know if we’re going to recover from this. Someone I love. I feel like this is a trial run for me to see what I would do, and to test out if I need more lessons like this or if I’m ready.

I’m someone that doesn’t give up on people/friendships/love. Esecially this friend has helped me through so much, and I know what we have is real. We could never forget each other.

But at the same time she doesn’t want to talk or talk about it. There is nothing to fight for. She gave her answer by not wanting to talk or fight. They don’t care about having me in their life, neither do they want to resolve things with me.

Maybe they just know I’m not good for them. Which I respect, but it also hurts.

Figuring this out honestly does feel important because If I’m in a relationship when do I know when to fight and when to quit? Because at that point we’ll care about each other.

The lesson or answer from this also feels like another thing I’m going to heal from the trauma with N. It’ll heal the now part.

Maybe my friend not being in a chapter in my life is protecting me. She does have energy that is more talking less action. Maybe her aura was affecting mine. Maybe she needed to go for me to actually take action on my dreams, and maybe we’re no longer a quantum match before I”m actually taking action and she’s not.

For a bit I was crashing out. Beacuse what if I’m the problem, and what if I’ll lose everyone. What if everyone thinks I’m not good for them.

But I remembered, god never leaves me alone. Maybe that’s why I’m always “friend” hopped. There’s always one person I’m really close with in my life. Someone I tell everything to.

Different people have different quantum energies, she’s not in my quantum field, but my other friend feels like she is. I just need to continue to being the highest version of me.

I also needed to detach from my friends. It’s crazy how I never thought the person I’m fighting with would ever leave my quantum energy. I always thought we were together for life. But even she did. Which is crazy and just teaches detachment.

I think my test balance is to figure out how to stay unbothered. Be the highest version of myself. and know when to let go.

I feel good knowing I tried everything one last time. Now this is all beyond my control, so that’s where detachment happens. You fight once and that’s the only mercy. Because the highest version will always priortise friendships over ego. But then it becomes about self-respect. And I will never let go of my self-respect. I will learn to detach/let go of that relationship.

But another question is maybe she’s not my person? Like with my best friend that we fight, don’t talk for months, and then start talking again. I just know her. I know what she’s thinking.

Technically, I also know what the current one is thinking though.

I also had a convo with another friend. The one that just went through a breakup, and she’s literally still talking to her ex and says she’s going to move on. Everything in me is like fam… literally you’re doing everything wrong. But sometimes some people don’t want to be healed. And I can’t help them. That’s where my boundary lies with this. She needs to learn on her own. Same with the friend I’m not talking to. She needs to learn on her own.

Idk if this is going to be a lesson for my kids too. Like knowing I love them and want to keep them safe, but also knowing they need to learn their lessons on their own. Which is actually really hard to watch when you love someone, and also have the guidance to help them.

Boundaries.

On the other note, my outfit that I’m wearing for girls night came out, and I’m excited. Really elevating my look and wearing things that feel like me.

Anways, I took an edible (on Monday night) to be fun and out of routine.

3/10 - Today was a hard day crashing out.

Intuiton - My friend feels like a soul connection. Maybe she’s just not supposed to be in a chapter of my life, doesn’t mean she’ll never reappear.

Energy:
90% - Crashing out about friendships
10% - Loving my new outfit