4/11 - Fear of leaving my mom alone, confused about work
Last night I decided to work on the whole chat gpt doll trend and posted it for work! It’s doing pretty good.
A couple of days ago, I saw something about Astrocartography on TikTok, which is basically something that determines what places you’ll thrive in based on your birth chart. Apparently, there’s energy associated with different places, and different places have a different affect on you.
Surprisingly, everything I’ve been feeling aligned with my chart. It literally said New York is where I’m going to be that public figure and where I’m going to publish. This aligns with the visual I keep seeing of myself on a timesquare billboard promoting my book.
And lately, I feel like my soul has been calling LA and Miami. LA is where I’d thrive in content, which makes sense because I am in my content era. And Miami is where I’ll be magnetic and influencial, which also makes sense because the rich era is also calling me.
WIth kind of feeling limited in Chicago, part of me couldn’t help but think if I should just move to LA for a month just to test things out. To really upgrade the energy and speed things up. Especially since I live like I’m LA with the content, no alcohol, healthy lifestyle, sun, etc.
Chicago is kind of starting to feel a bit suffocating and out of place. Almost like I need to rebuild my life somewhere else. But again I feel bad about leaving my mom. I’ve been thinking about going to LA for a month, nothing long-term.
I looked up if you can still feel the energy of the places if you just visit, and you can. Which is honestly good enough for me.
But today mom fell, part of me is like what if this is a sign that my mom needs me and I can’t move. Because it’s happening right when I feel like exploring other places.
I also realized that’s the scared part of me. And anything from fear is also wrong.
The hopeful part of me is like one off things happen, and it’s unrelated. It’s like the time I thought mom and I can’t live alone because we were cursed and now we’ve been living alone for months and it's great because we get to do whatever we want, whenever we want.
Also, the higher version of me doesn’t let external circumstances control what she wants to do.
My mom can also come with me but I don’t want to uproot her whole life.
I also took an edible last night to see if I would purge out any hidden emotions I’ve been feeling. Suprisingly, I didn’t overthink anything with friendships at all. The only thing I did overthink a bit was “what if i leave my job/everything and things don’t work out. What am I going to do then? Also not having a paycheck come in is huge. I don’t think I’ll be mentally okay. I need something - anything coming in. At least part of my rent, and then the rest I can rent out. So at least rent isn’t coming out of my savings. The rest is fine.
I also need to pay off my cell phone/car by the time I quit, so at least that doesn’t feel like a huge monthly expense. Does it feel really scary? yes. But at least I have 3 months to really lock in and cry out everything I need to cry out to detach fully.
I’ve already had a soft acceptance about this.
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lmaoo so I said all that the first half of my day while I was working from the coffee shop, and then the second half was a plot twist. My boss basically said I have 300K to spend on whatever I want to spend without worrying about return on investment.
That’s literally insane. like wth… that’s literally doing my dream job and the coolest stuff without any intense pressure while getting a paycheck.
Idk what this means tbh. Idk if this is a test to see if I really pick my dreams, if this is god answering my prayers to wanting to be a “do-it-all girl”, or if this is god saying I still have purpose left at Dil Mil.
The funny thing is right after that I saw an interview with Hasan Minhaj and Poorna Jagannathan saying she was working until 2016. She left when she got signed for a series.
I feel a bit torn. My heart is still in Dil Mil. Like I still put in a lot of effort just because I still care, but I want to care about my personal stuff just as much. Until now, I was convinced that the only way I can care about my personal stuff is if I have no distractions left.
I think what I’m going to do is still stay detached, and plan for July. But I need to go full force on my personal stuff. If I happen to be able to do both and find a routine, even better.
Because technically even right now, I’m not giving up on work or health or my journals. I just don’t know what to follow for my tiktoks. Maybe once I get the hang of it, it’ll be much easier. Plus, the reason why I’m not posting isn’t because I don’t have time, It’s because I don’t know what to post.
Maybe I need to take a solid week off of work and just find a routine for my personal stuff first and then add work into it. Work is priority #2. And if they think I still work, and I think I still work, I guess that’s what’s going to happen.
My mom also found out her health insurance was going to get cut because of budget issues, but I told her things were going to be okay.
On the other note, I also saw something about how your nervous system doesn’t know how to hold blessings. It needs to be trained first.
Also ended the night by going to yoga and getting bubble tea.
Intuition - My mom fell as a one off thing, if I give it power to stop me, it will. I’m just telling my brain that’s the correlation. It’s not actually the correlation. And I can do anything and everything. I truly am that girl.
8/10 - Had a little scare with mom, but also heard good news from work. Just need more money now.
Energy:
70% - Rewiring my brain
30% - just chilling, doing things that make me happy
