4/14 - It’s all in the editing, confusion is prepartion for detachement
I feel like I have this tendency to quit when things I do aren’t the perfect the first time. At 16, my mom bought me a DSLR and I was so interested in learning photography to the point I would take the buss by myself at 11pm to go to this late night photography class to learn.
But I stopped because I felt like my pictures just weren’t coming out professional enough to my liking. Just a month ago, I picked my camera back up and edited all the pictures that my friend too, especially now that I know a little bit more about editing over the years.
I turned mid pictures into pictures that looked like they were taken in a studio. Although not a professional but it regained my interest in photography again.
Today, I woke up hating the video I took last night as my intro video. I thought it sounded too boring, and prayed that my energy would show up in the video.
But then I scrolled through instagram with a creator perspective and realized all their visuals were boring too, and so were their voices. It’s all the effects that make it interesting.
So I went back to editing, and finally liked my first 5 seconds. Part of me is still like damn this is so much work, how is this sustainable to make content everyday. But I need to remember that I’m still learning.
Same with Dil Mil’s social media, initially I didn’t know anything and it took me forever. Now, I can make content so much faster because I forced myself to learn.
I need to also learn storytelling editing. It’s like a life skill in marketing at this point. And if I get overwelhmed, I can take a slight break but also need to finish it. It’s my project. I need to get these clips to a point where I love them.
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Also my best friend texted me, the one who i’m fighting with, saying she didn’t want to fight with me and that it felt empty without me. I haven’t answered her because quite honestly I just need space from them, and I haven’t figured out how much I want to involve them in my life right now.
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All that was in the first half of the day today, so have lots to talk about.
While I was watching TV with mom, I couldn’t help but catch myself in the mirror. I genuinely looked so happy, and was internally smiling. I love myself.
And then I went on my first walk outdoors today. While I was on I randomly realized that last year I felt sooo confused about my career. Like I knew it was coming to an end, just didn’t know how. And then realized that I actually start feeling an intense period of confusion at some point a couple of months before the breakup too.
Confusion is preparation for detachment. It’s not actually a time period which needs action. That’s why it’s so confusing to begin with. You’re not supposed to be happy, you’re supposed to be in pain to detach. The action will come on its own when its time.
After coming back, I randomly saw a Tiktok and decided to chat gpt reading my palm. My palm analysis literally said everything my birth chart did, which hyped me even more on my dreams and goals. More so I’ve also been internally really feeling the push.
Finally submitted my taxes too, of course it would be a day before it’s due.
And then I went on my second walk of the day, which was on the beach. I used to go to loyola beach after every breakup. So it felt wholesome coming back with so muchhhh love for myself. I literally feel all the love and energy I’m putting in myself. Also songs hit different when you love yourself.
There’s something so special about being at the same place at different phases in your life. It’s like I’m seeing all the growth from a third person point of view. I almost see the girl that was there just a year ago, like she’s a ghost.
This is crazy but right now I keep seeing a version of me on the billboard in times squares literally pulling right now me. I wonder if quantum physics is so real to the point where the version of me right now that’s filled with so much love and can see my past ghosts was me at the voice in my head at that time in the past that right now me is telling that me that it’ll all be okay and that person is not my person.
Because there are certain places where I get so emotional, like I literally see the past me in that same spot.
On the other note, I was also thinking about how I can technically put myself on the billboard. Since I have money to spend for work, I can do a campaign where we put influencers in times square and I can add myself up there. But then I remembered that I always try to fullfill my personal goals through work and try to make work exciting again, but it actually hasn’t been working out recently because the desires are supposed to be fullfilled with my own branding not through work.
I came home and walked on my walking pad again for my third walk of the day and watched the minions while walking.
I did 17k steps today to make up for not getting my steps in yesterday. I randomly remembered me telling a friend to thing about fitness as “weeks” to keep staying motivated, and that’s what I did too. I’m offically bad to doing 10k steps again and my streak still stayed because I evened it out.
9/10 - Today was wholesome, and walked a shit down.
Intuition: I have everything I need to build a great video. I can’t give up. I do think the energy of past and future versions do visit. The times square me feels so real to keep going, she’s my biggest supporter. I’m my biggest supporter.
Energy:
20% - Getting frustrated with editing
80% - loving myself
