10/23 - Scared of success
I’ve been thinking about this for the past couple of days, and I think this goes back to what I said a couple of days ago about feeling like I don’t think I deserve everyone in my life to be happy and healthy.
The same way, I’ve been reflecting on what really is stopping me from starting my own thing? Am I scared of failing? No. Do I not think I can do it? No. If anything I’m beyond confident I can do anything I set my mind to. Then why don’t I just start?
Because I feel like I don’t know what to do if I get success. Like there’s no guideline to it. Also success comes with a lot of uncertainty and risk. I feel like taking extreme risks feels so unknown and just getting out of my comfort zone, which I guess to be someone you’ve never been before, you need to do things you’ve never done before.
Too much success also comes with some sort of downside, this goes back to feeling like I can’t have it all. And I’m scared to see what that downside is. I’m happy right now with just my mom, and a peaceful place. Like what else can be taken away from me?
Having too many peaceful days in a row, I was going on a spiral a bit today, just scaring myself for no absolute reason. Fearing if something bad was about to happy because I was so genuinely happy. Almost self-sabotaging.
I also have a bit of a strange relationship with money. Like every time I get some large amount of money, I’m freaking out it’s going to go away somehow. Like an immigrant scarcity mindset of fearing I can lose it all if I get it too fast and then just losing everything. And when you have mouths to feed, losing everything is literally close to death. Worst nightmare possible.
And also I’m scared of what people will think. Sure, the easy thing to say is why do I care. But who doesn’t? It’s it human nature? especially if you’re someone that likes being self-aware?
So what am I doing to work through this?
Not putting too much pressure on anything. Just doing things for fun. If I put too much pressure on it, I’ll get in my head about it. I think I just need to start things right now as the first step.
Trying to move past wondering what people will think by validating myself. I can’t seek external validation if I’m trying to start my own stuff. No one will get it like I do.
Working through words of Affirmations and just accepting I can receive abundance and I’m ready to receive abundance. Without expecting it from the universe. That’s the hard part. Being ready but not feeling like the universe owes it to you.
Getting comfortable with peace. It’s hard to come back to being uncomfortable with peace when you’ve gone through so much trauma recently.
Overall Day:
I was determined to get 15k steps today, so woke up went on a walk, and then went to hot yoga to stretch my body out. It’s been feeling pretty stiff lately. After yoga, I went to a coffee shop and yes, I had coffee today. A pumpkin spiced latte. At the coffee shop the guy in front of me looked like Nick Viall, so literally I spent a half an hour distracted to know if he was Nick. Lol conclusion was that Idk, and I was too shy to go up to him. After working from the coffee shop, I randomly decided to go to a park and from there I literally discovered Chicago’s highline. Which was wild because I didn’t even know Chicago had one, so I was shook for like 20 minutes. While getting my steps in I decided to call my dental insurance to cross more things off my to do list. Also, can we talk about why getting a crown is so expensive? Like $2k? wth. Came home, worked some more and then made some Salmon. Trader joe’s Salmon spice with honey and then airfrying it is literally so good. Got some more steps in, decided to try some dresses to figure out what to wear to my friend’s engagement party.
I’ve also just been making random TikTok’s for the past two days, treating it like a hobby but lol it is annoying when people I know look at my profile. 😅 Turned off all the suggestions and who I can see viewing my profile, but overall I rather have random people finding my tikok over people I know. Goes back to my fear of what will people say, BUT I’m trying to power through it for now and just do it for fun.
7/10 - Today was little overwhelming but got a lot of thinking done
