10/29 - Facing the truth

Out of nowhere, someone asked me a question today that was literally an ultimate trigger. A part of me that I hide or choose when to tell people when I’m ready to tell them. So when this person asked me this question out of the blue and I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t lie, but it also just deregulated my emotions like crazy.

I felt exposed. Started overthinking on why they were asking me this question. Just scared because I didn’t want them to smell my weakness. But also I wish I had the ability to ask them an uncomfortable question in return.

I was just so caught off guard, and almost sick to my stomach. I still am, that I literally decided to calm myself down. I can tell myself and “be prepared” all I want but if I’m caught off guard and don’t accept the truth, I won’t remember any of this.

This is another reason why I say the healing is choosing me. Because literally I’m facing all my triggers one by one. THIS one thing has always been my weakness. It’s like I have a "bad bitch” front and then when someone knows this part of me or when I tell them, I become exposed and vulnerable like they have the key to my biggest weakness.

Overall, this is a reminder to accept the truth instead of hiding away from it. I feel like If I accept the parts I run away from, no one can even have the ability to de-regulate my emotions.

For now, still coping with the frustration I’m feeling and Idk how I’m going to actually accept the truth. What does accepting the truth even look like? Do I just stand in front the mirror and say it? Be ready to answer it if anyone asks me? Wear a badge of it? Idk.

5/10 - Feeling very disfunctional.