11/1 - bad thoughts

Today, I honestly just focused on working and got a lot done but there’s been something bugging me for the past couple of days.

I’ve been having a lot of bad thoughts regarding my mom. Like the worst happening, and I think it’s a trauma response to prepare myself from anything happening.

But then I’m like what if it actually happens and it ends up being my fault. Like what if me thinking about it manifests itself. I feel like I’ll never be able to forgive myself and move on from feeling like it’s not my fault.

Idk how to move past just treating my mom like a normal person in my life where I just don’t think about their health. I think this is coming from what happened last time. I finally thought all her health issues were over and moved past it, started living like I did before, and then she got sick out of nowhere again.

So now, I’m like if i’m always thinking about it and am prepared, it won’t be too much of a shock to me. It’s like my way of gaining control, but at the same time, I can’t be thinking all the negatives. It’s not healthy.

On the other note, I’ve honestly been a little lost with work. I feel like the magic of giving value to people is going away. I need to help people in their dating lives. The sense of purpose feels stronger. Like I need to empower these people but I’m a little lost on how. And not doing it and just going about my day normally is almost eating me alive right now.

Tomorrow is Indian new year’s and I just want to start fresh. A new beginning.

6/10 - Feeling slightly lost and traumatized but happy in my own space