11/4 - feeling terrified to date again but trusting the universe
Last night, out of nowhere I let out a cry. I’m terrified to date again. I know what I’m supposed to do and not do but I almost let it all go.
And today morning while journaling, I found something that I wrote in January 2023. “I did not compromise my goals for love” “You are the best girl any guy can get”. Literally everything I’m telling myself right now, is everything I knew 2 years ago.
I even start relationships strong, keeping these things in mind, so why do I always lose myself when I’m in the relationship. Why does all this go out the window over and over again? It’s clear that it’s not like I don’t know. I’ve been knowing. 2 relationships ago. Literally I wrote that when I was new with N and hadn’t even met J.
Even in my dream yesterday, I started strong not hiding parts of myself and being strong on what I wanted, but then I said something stupid and he had to explain something to me and I felt stupid. My immediate thought was “Does he think I’m stupid? Does he not think I’m great anymore?” And that’s when I become hyper aware to see if there’s a change in his actions, like could I sense him thinking or starting to withdraw?
The switch was when I was embarrassed of myself. When I stopped believing I was great and started seeking validation from the other person.
This happened with J too. The switch happened when his brother didn’t like me. Until then, I didn’t care. I knew I was a catch. But once I’m like his brother doesn’t me, does this make him like me less too? I started feeling more fixated on his behavior. Felt him withdrawing. And that’s the point I lost myself.
And that’s maybe why I let out that cry too. Just scared that I’m going to slip again despite knowing all this on claiming my worth.
I’m trying to be kinder to myself though. That I needed to go through all that. It’s okay to just take it day by day, and that sure I lost myself throughout the process but that’s also when I knew I needed to break up. So I’m clearly aware of the point I lose myself and at least I didn’t settle in those relationships.
Maybe to have these as a constant reminder, I need to have affirmations on my mirror, so I can use them as check-in points.
Later in the day
I actually made a lot of progress on the healing series. Somehow writing it on paper just made it so much more
easier. So proud of myself for making progress there.
Something also happened at work that did leave me feeling frustrated. And for some reason, I’m just don’t feel aligned with the product anymore. It’s becoming too salesy and less value-driven, which is what’s ruining the product.
I’m still a little worked up over it but I don’t doubt my own abilities even a tiny bit. I know I’m a huge value add at work and I know anything I choice to put my focus on is lucky. Maybe this is the universe hinting it’s time for a change for me. I’m ready for bigger things. I feel a lot of uncertainty tbh but I have complete faith in the universe. I know it’ll work out for me. It always has.
This healing series genuinely has my heart, so I can only hope it’s received with the amount of love I’m pouring into it. Whatever happens with work I’m reminding myself I’m doing this for the people, it feels like a sense of purpose.
7/10 - Feeling a little overwhelmed but also proud of myself for making progress
