11/5 - Taking control back into my hands

I ended up going to bed super overwhelmed, so I decided to work vomit my thoughts out on notes just to release them. At first, I was like maybe I should send a heart to heart. But that’s when I realized… this is actually where I fall into the trap all over again.

I don’t need to send a heart to heart to anyone. The letter already has everything he knows. Me sending a heart to heart to my boss letting him know I feel underappreciated is literally me telling a boyfriend he’s not treating me as well as I should be treated. What would a man do? Lol accept the situation and make his/her next moves.

So who am I the one to write a heart to heart and put control in the other person’s behavior. No. They made their move. Now, it’s time to make my move.

I will not chase or beg anyone. Especially, when I KNOW I’m even professionally worth so much more.

So, I decided to take a mental health day off to reset and that’s when I decided that I’m actually not going to publish the journals under someone else’s name but my own. Sure, I wrote part of them in a day. But they’re based on my life, my experiences, and I’ve technically have been mentally working on it for months.

And that’s when I felt better. The anger was coming from giving and giving and not getting anything in return. So i’m just going to stop giving. And that’s when it felt like I had power back in my hands.

Feeling a sense of relief just feels so much better and honestly, learning how to control my emotions and to not react from a distressed state of mind has always been a personal goal. It almost feels like I’m leveled up and matured. I took space and did things in my dopamine menu to get back to a neutral, peaceful, unbothered state.

The rest of the day was just spent running errands and it’s 8pm but I’m sooo exhausted. I have been waking up a bit earlier though, so maybe it makes sense and it’s a good thing that my schedule is moving up.

On the other note, today is also election day, so curious to see what happens.

9/10 - proud of myself for how I overcame this obstacle emotionally