11/8 - Trying to fight survival mode and guilt

Right after I wrote my journal yesterday, I saw a Tiktok about Trump’s plan and why it might all come true and with all the coffee from either, it went downhill with tons of anxiety. The fear was slightly taking over and the part of me that’s a go-getter was getting activated to see how I can best prepare for in the case everything with his plan does happen. The night was just filled with tons of overthinking and survival mode kicking in.

So decided to wake up early and go on a mental health walk today. I love how going on a hour long walk in the morning isn’t even a chore anymore. My thoughts consume me to the point where I don’t even know know when I’m done with the walk. It’s like “oh we’re home”.

Mom also had her colonoscopy today, before going in the doctor did say the reason why they thought it was little more urgent than a routine procedure is because her blood count was going down. Nothing dramatic.

I was almost scared to just be nonchalant about it, like oh it’s just a routine procedure nothings going to happen, she’ll be out in no time because the last time I did that, literally it was the worst day of my life and she almost passed away. And I think I just had a bunch of guilt and trauma built from that.

So today, I tried facing that a bit. Where I tried nothing being worried sick to the point but still prayed that everything would go smoothly. Slowly trying to relieve myself from the guilt of mom getting sick because of me. Just reminding myself that it’s not a correlation. Thankfully, everything went smoothly. She did have a slight inflammation and so they did a biopsy. Praying everything goes smoothly for that.

For work, before I took mom to the hospital, I pushed a push notification and went viral with people screen shotting and sending to their friends. I honestly needed that ego boost. I genuinely was starting to feel that maybe I was losing my touch but this just brought back my confidence that no, I can never lose my marking touch. I literally have it all within me.

We brought Thai food home. The place we got it from is like my new comfort thai spot… but lol I think I’m not used to eating unhealthy food anymore that I've been super bloated and literally ate like 8 hours ago. It’s true that your body just knows the difference in food quality.

Beyond that, I’m going to SF again in December for a week and I’m beyond excited. I haven’t gone in so long that I’m actually SF homesick.

8/10 - Hopefully, no more anxiety tonight