11/10 - I am my own soulmate
Today was even more productive health wise but now I’m exhausted and my legs feel like jello. Went to the gym this morning after so long and did a full body, ran for 5 minutes and did stairs for 5 minutes. Stretched, did 22k steps again. So overall I’m pooped and my knees hurt a bit.
On the other note, yesterday M told me something about J and it just reaffirmed how much I know he’s not my person and idk why but I have this strong intuition that I’m going to end up with N. It’s just a feeling but despite that I’m going to stay true to myself. At the end of the day, no one is my soulmate besides myself.
This is such a healthy shift for me because one thing about me before is that if I have an intuition about something or think the universe is bringing it me, I’d forget everything and become hopeless romantic to go get it. But that’s 1 thing J thought me. I initially thought I manifested him and that’s what kept me attached to him. Nothing less. I literally ignored all his actions because I thought he was my person.
But not this time. I have a strong feeling about N and out of nowhere he saw my Tiktok today too. Today… out of all days. After almost a year. But it doesn’t matter. He could text me right now. I could see him when I go to SF in December. But if I don’t feel peace or if I’m not happy. I don’t give a shit about fate. I will create my own fate. I am not going to ignore every reason why we broke up just because I think the universe is sending me a sign. Again, I am my own soulmate. No one else.
And honestly, I’m beyond proud of myself for thinking this way. I need to continue to focus on myself and my dreams. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I will not chase.
Today something else happened that got me super emotional. My coworker N called me and told me if was going to be a girl dad, and that’s the baby was due in a month. It was an accidental baby with his ex who he is separated from, so it wasn’t the most conventional way. He didn’t even know if he wanted to be in the baby’s life but after she found out she was girl he just knew he had to. And honestly that just makes me tear up thinking about it. 1. Because I’ve seen him over the past 4 years. Last year, he was so devasted that he didn’t even know where his life was going, and today he’s starting a family. It all always works out. 2. I know he’s going to be the best girl dad in the world. Being a girl dad is one of the most important things in the world. Every brown girl right now has daddy issues, and knowing he has the power to give this baby girl that luxury of not having daddy issues just makes my heart melt. He’s one person that respects women and roots for them without the male ego. So this maybe girl is so blessed to be his daughter. And while thinking about all of this I couldn’t help but think that my N is also going to be the best girl dad ever. Even if he doesn’t end up with me, I hope god makes him a girl dad. Good men need to be girl dads to solve this epidemic of daddy issues.
And on top of this… I don’t think J would be a good dad. Skip girl dad. Every time I stop to think it just gets more and more clear how a healed version of me would have never picked J. A healed version of me would only pick a healed version of N. He was already 80% of the way there but still had 20% left to do. J has 100% left to do.
Overall, the past few days of been such an emotional roller coaster.
10 - Proud of myself for staying true to myself
