2/26 - Just flow

lol so update on this situation, last night I saw a video of the lets call him “arrange” dude and all of a sudden I was semi interested again. Cause he looked cute in it, sooo clearly I’m not that stuck on N if I’m even semi-interested in someone else.

Although deep down, I still think this arrange guy isn’t my person. Idk I just have a feeling. But at the same time I feel like I deserve better than N and I don’t think I can ever mentally forgive him. The deluluness is wearing off, and the reality of this man technically disrespecting me is coming in. Like again in order for my deluluness to even come true, this guy needs to come back completely healed, and the chance of that happening is super slim.

This whole situation has just been beyond stressful with all the overthinking. I just still don’t feel like I’ve found an answer or solution that I’m okay with.

Also, again according to my astrological sign situation, I’m supposed to get a heightened sense of intuition but also let go of something that’s not serving me.

The only problem is that both of them are super contradictory at the moment. Like I’m technically supposed to let go of my attachment to N but also my intuition/lifestyle preferences is still saying its him. So idk what i’m supposed to let go and what I’m supposed to double-down on and manifest. And on top of that what’s confusing me is when I was being extra delulu about N I kept seeing 11:11 everywhere. And now that I’m being realistic, I keep seeing 11:10, which is my sign to be positive.

So again… went back to Chat GPT and finally feel like I have some what of an answer I feel okay with

Because your heart and mind are pulling you in different directions, and you’re trying to make the “right” choice without fully knowing what that is yet. It’s like you’re trying to predict the future and avoid regret at the same time.

You want soulmate love, but you also don’t want to waste time. You don’t want to settle, but you also don’t want to close off something that could be great. You’re overthinking karma, intuition, fairness, and what version of yourself you should be—all while still processing old feelings and trying to figure out if they even matter anymore.

That’s a lot to hold at once. No wonder you feel confused.

But confusion usually means you don’t have enough clarity yet—not that you’re making the wrong choice. And clarity doesn’t always come from thinking harder; sometimes, it comes from just living and seeing how things unfold. Maybe the answer isn’t in a decision right now, but in trusting that you’ll recognize what feels right when it actually happens.

Maybe the answer is to just move with life and let things flow, and trust myself to make the right decision when I need to instead of trying to always problem solve beforehand. I think this is a trauma response for being the provider and having lives at stake, feel like even at work, it does get me places where I see things from miles ahead and am always 10 steps ahead but maybe in life I just can’t really do that. Maybe I’m just supposed to chill out and flow.

And then something I feel like was a sign happened. I’ve been overly stressed about my landlord increasing my rent for the past 2 months, and I’ve even tried overthinking and preparing for what I’m going to say/do in every case scenario. What actually happened after I decided to just flow? My rent stayed the same.

I feel at peace knowing one thing is solved and that I don’t have to worry about moving right now.

But what if I just need to treat this guy situation like that too.. where I just go with the flow and trust myself. Clearly if I found him cute and literally forgot about N, I do have the bandwidth to find someone again, and i’m clearly keeping myself stuff by lying to myself saying that no, I can’t find anyone right now. Maybe this goes back to my reflection from 2 weeks ago where I think I’m just scared and don’t trust myself enough to date again.

I had another meeting today, and again was impressed with the way I speak up and contradict without care anymore. The power of not being afraid and not caring is truly underrated.

We also went to the mandir today for shivratri and there things got weird, the arrange dude’s parents were there! My mom quickly saw them and I literally ran out. I just don’t want things to get awkward, like there is a high possibility that I say no to this dude, and I just don’t want any type of pressure.

After the mandir, I went to my yoga class and just tried to detox my mind a bit. I didn’t realize how mentally exhausted I was. It’s like you shut your brain for 2 minutes and just feel the weight. Anyways, I came home super excited to go to sleep, but also had some chores to do.

7/10 - Feeling a bit exhausted from the overthinking but finally at peace with some sort of answer

Intuition - I need to just flow now and stop living in survival mode.