3/9 - Delusion is confidence
I woke up still exhausted from yesterday and honestly totally forgot that the time changed yesterday, so my whole body did feel off from its schedule. Overall the day feel a bit slow because of feeling off, but tried getting through what I needed to get done. The house was still a mess from yesterday, so cleaning up was on the list.
Was lazy for pretty much the first couple of hours, but then I ate, spent time with mom, and went on my walk. It was in the 60’s today, so I knew I needed get some sun and take advantage of the good weather.
A lot of my walk was still pondering on what I need to say to my coworker tomorrow and the best way to say it. I kept going back and fourth again on if I was doing the right thing or if I was being “reactive” but I think somewhere on my walk, I’m like tbh even if this was my own company, I would still say the same thing. And I don’t think I’m raking up bad karma because one 'I’m okay with getting a warning too, and two literally she’s not putting in the world. I really can’t deal with this forever, if anything my frustration with this situation is just getting worse the more I try to ignore it. And literally be being professional isn’t doing shit, all she’s going to do is try deflecting. Sometimes people just need a straight up BS less convo, and this will serve as my last warning because she clearly didn’t get it the nice way.
During the walk, I also played out a conversation in my head that was “real” but nothing too much. Just need to write the pointers before the call tomorrow.
I’m also starting to realize that every time I’m confused, I literally already know the answer of what I need to do but dread doing it, so I pray it magically happens. And whatever I’m praying for is my answer.
Example: Arrange guy I was hoping would just say no on his own. With this coworker, she just quit on her own, which I know means she needs to go.
But again, dreading the convo and praying for it the go the best way possible because it has literally been driving me crazy.
Anyways, I was also debating if I should or shouldn’t get coffee during my walk since I was already having anxiety and overthinking, but also knew I needed to get things done, so got some starbucks.
Came home and sat for a bit and while my doomscrolling, saw a couple of things which honestly felt true. Delusion is confidence.
Especially yesterday, literally it was all delusional. And Idk why delusion has such a negative connotation because it’s true if you don’t have unwavering faith in yourself who will? Delusion fuels actions and mindset. So note to self, I need to stop being “humble” about my delusions and think they’re crazy. Because who knows? literally anything is possible. Someone can go poor to rich in seconds. Who are we to say the poor guy is delusional and unrealistic? Cause when it actually happens, he was realistic.
So why? like why can’t we all just support everyone’s delusions.
And honestly, I saw that yesterday too. Literally 6 months ago, I SUCKED at taking pictures. And now 6 months later, I literally quantum jumped with my pictures because I believe I will be a public figure and its meant for me, so I got the confidence on my own.
My delusion was my confidence. And it showed in the pictures. Literally my pictures had nothing to do with being realistic. Who cares if someone else thinks you’re crazy? They don’t know what you know. They don’t know what you feel like is meant for you. You feel it.
After the coffee kicked in, cleaned the whole house, so felt better. A messy house always just makes me feel at unease now. I literally need to live in clean environments.
Also wished Delhi Boys. Honest review is I see the effort but it was kind of boring. Something about it was just off. It just wasn’t fast enough despite all the chaos.
I also have the sudden urge to be social with people again. That weird don’t even have energy to talk to people is thankfully over at the moment.
And last thing, this random person on my Tiktok keeps viewing my profile every couple of days and they don’t even follow me. I’m like at a point where I’m about to just message them because it makes no sense. Literally, I haven’t posted anything in so long.
8/10 - Body felt slow, mind was still overworking, but things got done
Intuition - I already know the answers to things I’m confused about, and literally I need to ramp up my delusions. But also need to give them a more positive word. I think I’m going to call them “my destiny” from now on.
