3/10 - Too reactive?
For some reason I’ve been doomscrolling a lot on social media, and it’s just causing a lack of sleep and I’m also unable to just get things done without getting distracted. Which calls for my need to have social free days again.
Secretly, I think it’s just a sense of procrastination. I’m doing it because there are other things I don’t want to do or have the energy to do, which isn’t necessarily a good thing either honestly. It means I’m spending energy doing things I don’t want to do in my life and I don’t like knowing that because life is already too short. Or idk if my cortisol is just too high and I need things to constantly distract me.
I used to feel this when I was a kid, where I couldn’t do homework in pure silence. I would also have the TV going on in the background. And now, I’m the most productive at coffee shops because there's just so much happening in the background.
Tbh even writing my journals lately is getting hard, not because I don’t have things to say or don’t want to write. I literally just can’t sit down and focus enough to write in one go, so it feels like a chore (but always feel much better after writing).
Anyways, this whole attention span situation does need some attention because it feels like a hindrance for things I want to get done.
I also need to stop consuming so much if I want to be a creator.
I couldn’t sleep, so I also woke up later. And when I went to go see if there were any amazon packages, I happened to be downstairs when the mailman came. My package that I’ve been praying for since November was finally here, and it was timely.
I decided to record myself because I wanted to remember the feeling of having the thing I’ve been praying for months, and also use that to manifest the thing I’ve been praying for years and really visualize it in front of me.
After that, I got my amazon package and finally got a chance to look at some of my pictures from the photoshoot. I haven’t gotten a chance to go through all of them, but I randomly picked one and decided to edit it. And I love it. It’s giving everything I hope it would give.
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On the other note, I decided to hold off my conversation with my coworker because I was feeling less frustrated and I also don’t want any negative energy. So going to have it tomorrow instead, and in a better headspace to be professional but also strict, and less reactive.
Which brings me to another trauma point I need to address. This one time my boss said I was being too “sensitve or reactive” and that has stung with me 3 years later. I also went through a whole identity crisis at work because of it at one point.
I need to finally heal from being too “reactive” I feel like it’s the one thing that always gets me doubting myself. Does it hurt because I know it’s true? Is it bad to be reactive?
Like at the end of the day the reaction isn’t going to go away, just the way I deliver it is going to be better after sitting on it for 3-4 days. But honestly why should I dwell in negativity for 3-4 days just so I can deliver it so someone better? Like I’m priortising the other person’s feelings over mine. Me wasting 3-4 days of my own being upset about it is worse.
Inner child me is like idgaf i need to say what I need to say.
Adult me is like maybe be careful with the relationships I care about.
But also literally me needing space for 3-4 days just to “calm” myself isn’t okay too. If I was on the other side, I rather just get the raw reaction and resolve it to get over it as soon as possible.
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On the other note, I told my friend yesterday that I wasn’t going to go to my friend’s bachelorette just because I just know the vibes and I care about myself more. And literally she agreed that I was right and now decided she didn’t want to go too.
Which again, answers the question I had a month ago about am I doing the wrong thing for taking a stand about my whole friend’s nikkah situation, and was I being dramatic. The answer is no.
I was simply doing something people were not used to seeing. And now that they understand me setting my boundaries and taking a stance, I feel like I’m breaking the mold and in my friendships and encouraging them to pick themselves too.
And that’s going to be the reality of my life, where often times I’m going to feel weird going against the norm, but it’s just the environment I’m in where people aren’t used to seeing it. I’m meant to be a leader, so I won’t always see people doing the same thing.
Once they see me do it, they will also follow. And that’s exactly what’s happening.
Right now, I feel “extra” for wanting to be a public figure/content creator/writer but once people see me achieve my dreams, they will also follow their “crazy” dreams. And it makes sense because that’s what exactly my purpose is and I’m already doing it naturally in my friend groups, which literally makes me affirm it even more and makes me even more sure I’m aligned.
And I keep seeing videos of people saying they’re living their dream life now because they weren’t scared to post silly videos of themselves dancing.
Every person goes through this. Where they’re scared to have the audacity to think of themselves as a content creator or influencer. To the point where they even think it’s “silly” when they’re first posting it. Idk why it’s instilled in us to think our “crazy” dreams are silly.
My walk today was also great, I loved how hot it was and am just so ready for summer.
9/10 - Felt at peace again and just happy to be in the sun. Also very thankful, but ngl have been feeling slightly bloated.
Intuition - Everything I do is going to seem strange at first, just need to power through because that’s how I’m going to make the change and inspire people.
