3/15 - A need for a new community
Late last night, a part of me started having fomo for tomorrow. Originally my friends from SF were going to come and we were going to go out the week, and then go out this weekend for St.Patricks’s. My favorite Chicago holiday, in fact, everyone’s favorite Chicago holiday. Fun fact before I moved out of Chicago, I thought everyone did St.Patricks as big as Chicago lol, and was pretty disappointed to know that it’s actually a Chicago bucket list item.
That being said, I was kinda ready to have that social side of me come out this week, even though I was a bit scared if I could keep up and just wondering how it would be different without alcohol. Like would I be bored and just annoyed?
I think I just had expectations set for this weekend, especially because I actually love going out with my SF friends. It’s fun. But unfortunately we all got sick. They got sick in India and are stuck there and I have the worst allergies to the point I don’t even think I’ll be able to make it for a hour.
Anyways, part of me kind of wishes I had a big Chicago brown group of friends to go out with on demand. But deep down, I also know that then my life would be different. I’d be sucked into partying. That’s the whole reason why I didn’t pick “arrange” guy to begin with because I know with him in my life my goals would be put in the back burner and I’d be a social person again. So just a slight wish but I know I actively chose not to.
And also I know I’d be miserable. Last night it was literally raining, windy, crowded, and the lines were 1-2 hours long. All this literally sounds so bad. Also, I’m sick to begin with so again I’d be even more miserable and with allergies, I would be crying in line internally begging to go home. Yesterday, I turned my window down for 10 minutes and my eyes got watery.
But I can’t help but have fomo in THEORY. And then the reality kicks in and I’m thankful again.
I also hate going to clubs when it’s crowded and people are pushing.
And it’s not that I want a guy. If anything I hate being with a guy during being social because flirting with random guys is where the fun is at, not sticking with the same person.
Part of me also feels like the universe didn’t want me to go out because sure my SF friends couldn’t make it. Then I’d probably rally up some of my other college friends or still find a way. But I feel like I was going to run into someone that I’m not ready to run into yet and that’s why the universe got me sick too, so I’m forced to stay home and the person I’m not supposed to meet doesn’t happen.
At like 9pm my guy friend called me. He’s the guy that literally we’re still pen pals, even though he lives 30 minutes away. But we had initially planned to meet up, and even today he probably called to meet up, and I would have honestly probably gone if I was out. But I have a feeling the universe doesn’t want us to me. Same with “arrange” guy, I would have definitely ran into him too, but I don’t think I’m supposed to meet him either.
Maybe the universe is protecting me from what I really want. Maybe the universe knew that if I was high and vulnerable, I would be sucked into one of these guys, and it would delay everything else for me, like my goals, me meeting my actual person, etc. So instead I’m forced to stay home.
On the other note, I feel like I’m craving a new sense of community belonging. Of course I’m very thankful to have my childhood friends that I can literally call and hang out with any time, and my SF friends who are my social people, and then my college friends who are honestly in another group. But I’m craving creative friends, friends that are content creators, friends that chasing their dreams, friends that are working with cool brands.
I’m craving a new sense of belonging. And for a second, I was like why does it feel forced to find my group of “social” friends in Chicago. Like my SF friends kind of came naturally to me. But that’s also the phase I was in, I wanted to be social, party, and explore. I don’t think that’s what I’m supposed to do right now in my life.
I’m literally supposed to chase my dreams, which is why I don’t think I’m supposed to have social Chicago friends because like I said that would just stray me away from my goals. I’m supposed to have creative friends, and I have a feeling that sense of belonging is coming to me soon the more and more I focus on my dreams.
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On the other note, to stay distracted from the fomo I did wake up with a little more energy so decided to make protein bagels today and just felt like cooking. Which again is very rare for me because I think it’s just so much work. But still felt like it, so I experimented with a couple of flavors. Surprisingly, they were actually so soft and good. Mom and I ate them. She also really liked it. The bagels were very heavy, so ended up taking a nap in the afternoon.
We then went grocery shopping, and I decided to make Thai Curry, so at 9pm at night lolol I was making Thai Curry. At first it tasted weird, but I was determined to get it right so just stayed patient and added things that I thought were missing one by one. I think the final product ended up being pretty good. And then cleaned the whole kitchen. We have a house rule were the kitchen has to be clean before going to bed.
Anyways, it ended up being a busy day and I’m done with the fomo.
9/10 - Woke up with fomo, but my intuition made me feel better, and ended up having fun cooking and feeding my mom.
Intuition - god/universe is protecting me from something big or I’m not supposed to run into someone that I’m not ready to run into yet. There’s something that makes this a blessing in disguise, and my new community is coming to me soon.
