9/25 - still feeling wounded

Reflecting on my relationship with J:

What statement hurt me..

I said “I still love you” he said “I can’t say that because I don’t think I love you”

Lmfao that’s the statement that will never make me believe in the words that come out of a man ever again because he literally said I love you 2 days before.

Why didn’t I leave?

I didn’t want his brother’s words to be true.
I didn’t want to leave a “good guy” because I wasn’t patient.
I didn’t want to regret anything.

He didn’t even care about his own promises. Why do I give a fuck about what his brother had to say? He literally gets pushed around by his brother.

Yeah, of course my words hurt. I actually mean everything I say and he knows that too.

The good guy is what fucked me over. This is literally my sign to always put myself first.

I wasn’t giving him attention because he wasn’t respecting mine. It wasn’t because I was playing hard to get.


Why he wasn’t my person:
- I didn’t have a soul connection with him

• He was too immature and just not emotionally ready

• I didn’t trust him

• My heart and body just knew

• He actually didn’t know me.
  
  
  
  Who am I?
  
  - I have the biggest heart but I only give it to some people. You have to earn my heart until then I don’t mind looking like a bitch/having a guard up. This way no one fucks with me.

My fears:

• People think I’m different than who I actually am. Especially if I give my whole heart to them. Not staying true to my values. I do seek their validation. Because I’m like damn am I really that delulu.

• Never seek validation from a man. That’s how they control.

• Feeling like it didn’t work because I didn’t try hard enough,

• I know where to put my energy. If I think it’s time to quit, there’s a reason. I don’t need to listen to anyone.

• Feeling like I can’t go through another failed relationship.

• Lmfao this actually ended up being the easiest breakup. Dead ass haven’t even cried after or INTERNALLY second guessed my decision. I know it was the right one. God will give me strength when I think I have none.

• Time gives answers. If I was in a destress for so long, should have just asked for a break.
  

Proud of myself:

• For at the end of the day, always listening to my gut but I should have listened to it sooner. Literally stop second guessing myself. It’s not my fears. It’s my intuition.
  

  Right down, everything I feel right off the bat without noise. Never idealize anyone. Look and write down the facts.

I also told the rest of the people I needed to tell about the breakup. So now everyone knows. And I’m happy about that. It’s a step closer to healing.

8/10 - I’m proud of myself.