9/28 - Acting like I already have it

I was in yoga this morning when it finally came to me. The biggest game changer in my health and catalyst in achieving my fitness goals was acting like I had already achieved them. I started mentally believing I was already fit. And that’s how being healthy and working out became easier because it felt like If I had my dream body would I be compromising it by eating non balanced meal? Probably not. And once I started believing that, I started moving like that in the world, and the results came on its own.

And that’s when it came to me about my engagement. Originally, I was planning on getting engaged to myself in December as a symbol of working on myself but then I was like no. I’ve always wanted to get engaged by December maybe that’s why I feel not at peace because I still mentally think it’s going to somehow happen in December and I’m just lying to myself right now.

So that’s when I decided that okay, I’m going to put on a ring and act like I got engaged to my person on my terms. So I did that. And surprisingly, it wasn’t anything I expected it to be. For some reason, I always thought the ring was something I wanted soo badly that when I would have it, it would solve my problems. It would feel fulfilling.

But it didn’t feel like any of that. The feeling was actually very overrated. It felt like “okay… now what?” and then anxiety followed it. It felt like overwhelming. It didn’t feel anything fulfilling about myself. It just felt like a guy couldn’t keep his emotions straight and was scared of losing me so he found a way to tie me down. It didn’t feel at all rewarding for me. If anything, I was like shit… now I have more people I need to worry about and cater too. Like his whole family. And plan a whole wedding. My problems did not go away. I still have to clean a whole bathroom, and if anything now I need to worry about more things. And on top of that say this was December and I got my ring from one of my exes or a new person, it just didn’t feel deserving. A ring is supposed to symbolize years worth of “making it through hard times”. My ring didn’t show me that at all. It was literally to tie me down.

And all I could wish for was shit, I didn’t even get to finish my dreams. I wish I could go back and start my business before I got engaged because that would mean something to me. That would actually feel fulfilling. Now, Idk if I’ll ever have time to do that because now I have to take care of more people, plan for a wedding, and then kids. All I wanted to beg for is time to go back so I can make my dreams come true first. I was filled with regret more than any sort of happiness.

And then I came back to reality. I have that time right now. Maybe subconsciously, I actually knew about this all along and didn’t want to get married. Maybe wanting to get engaged was more of conscious pressure and all along I just knew I need to “become” myself first and start my own business or I would be miserable the rest of my life. Maybe God just knew.

So now, I have a ring on my ring finger to release the anxiety but I’m more than thankful that I’m actually not engaged and I did get a “second” chance/go back in time to live out my dreams before they would turn into a regret and haunt me for life.

And don’t get me wrong, I do love occasionally looking at the ring on my fingers. And it is taking away the desperation aura away from me because real or not, I already have it.

8/10 - New learnings, new healings