9/30 - healing & I can do anything

I’m going to start using my ring as a reminder of being committed to myself and that I can do anything.

On the other note, today had a lot to unpack. Now that I know a ring won’t fix anything for me and that my problems will still be there, it was time to address them.

In my relationship with J my anxious attachment issue really came out. Whether it was triggered by him or not is a different story but the truth is it still came out. I had this desperate need to be chosen, to be validated, and to be told that he was never going to leave me.

Because deep down I always felt abandoned by my dad. And it just carried with me that if my dad can leave me anyone can. And I needed to make sure I did everything in my power to make sure they never did. But they always did. And it’s because of the anxiety and anxious attachment.

I called my dad on a not so good note. It’s because he fell, which got me super worried but within that I asked him and told him that I was struggling in relationships because I was scared that if my dad left me anyone can leave me. And I asked him “did you leave me?” to which he replied “I never left you and I never will” and idk why but just thinking about it makes me so emotional and immediately brings tears in my eyes. Idk if it fixed my abandonment issues but it did do something. For the first time, I heard the answer to something that haunted me. And just repeating it over and over again almost feels a slight relief, like I’ve been waiting to hear that my whole life.

I’m trying to truly internalize that no one has ever left me. And no one can forget me. Even if someone stops talking to me. I know they’ll remember me till the day they die because that’s the impression I leave on people’s hearts with my authenticity.

Overall, I know there’s still a lot of trauma to unpack. But I’m taking it day by day.

While I was at yoga, I kept internalizing the “I never left you” and then got an insane amount of strength.

I need to go to New York for work on Saturday too but I was dreading it because I didn’t want to run into J or be alone, so I asked God for strength.

And out of nowhere today, I had this insane urge to actually go as the next way to face my fears. I need to go and network, meet people, and give a little speech on behalf of Dil Mil. This has nothing to do about J anymore and everything to do about growing personally.

Internally I’ve always felt like I’m supposed to have friends in New York. I’m supposed to have people know that I’m behind Dil Mil. But I was always scared of just putting myself out there. It’s beyond my comfort zone but I know this where I can grow.

I kept begging and hoping someone would come with me so I had some sort of comfort. But maybe this was meant for me to do alone.

I asked myself if I’m going to be more proud of myself for staying home or going and conquering my fears. And the answer was going. And then I realistically asked myself if i genuinely believe i can do it. And then answer was of course. I’ve mc’ed a whole reception. A 1 minute speech is nothing.

I know I’m scared but I also know this is something I can do. I know it’s going to take my whole social battery but I’ll be so proud of myself once I’m done.

And remember once I got “engaged”, the only thing I wish I had done was make a name for myself and start my own business. So this feels right. Plus, I’m the one sponsoring the event, so why would anyone disrespect me. I’m the one with the power. And I need to fake it till I make it. Maybe I’ll adopt an alter ego personality for the weekend. Maybe I’ll pretend I’m my friend Noopur. Lol. All I know is that if I don’t do this now, when will I?

And that’s how I got a ton of strength out of nowhere. I will never say no to career development.

Also! Noopur is finally in a relationship and that gives me hope that my person is out there too. When the time is right, he’ll come into my life. Until then, I’m just chilling and working on myself.

10/10 - honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself today for trying to go head on with my biggest fears and I ate a cookie to celebrate.