10/8 - Being magnetic
Yesterday:
After I wrote in my journal yesterday, I Facetimed M. I’ve been facetiming her a lot lately. I talk about all my realizations live with her and somehow it just speaks it into action, and helps me realize it better. Saying whatever I’m thinking and processing out loud after I’ve wrote about it here just makes it official. So I was telling her that I was so proud of myself for just being myself at the event that’s how I think I was magnetic. And that’s when I realized what “being real” means. Because honestly, I don’t ever think I’ve faked who I was. But being authentic and real is being the version of you when you’re emotionally regulated, and that’s what makes you magnetic.
You could be a b’yatch but if that’s who you are to the core and you’re emotionally regulated, people will still gravitate towards you. You don’t have to be the nicest version of yourself to be magnetic.
Having Control over emotions = Emotional Regulation and Emotional Regulation = Authenticity and Authenticity = Magnetism
If something is making me anxious or angry, I’m not magnetic, even though I’m “being real” because I’m not emotionally regulated. However, I could still be upset and emotionally regulated. Being emotionally regulated just means YOU control your emotions. Your emotions do not control you.
And that’s why I was magnetic. Because I was doing everything I would do at a calm state of mind. Where I was in control. And this blew my mind because I don’t think I’ve ever learned this. Everyone is always like “be real”. For me, it was always that I was never not real.
I also talked to her about how I thought I was going to die on my way home from NY or that something bad was going to happen because my NY trip was that good. And that’s when I realized this is also something else that I need to work on. I need to allow myself to deserve everything and not be scared.
How it affects my relationships? This one time, my mom got sick and i had a bf at that time. I was convinced that God can’t take my mom away if he knows I have no one else. But if thinks that I have someone else that loves me, he can possibly take my mom away. So I prayed that I would rather be single than lose my mom.
Internally, I don’t believe I can have my mom and a loving relationship simultaneously. I don’t think I’m that lucky to deserve that. And even if I do, I would be freaking out that something was going to happen to my unborn child. So overall, I don’t believe I can have a healthy mom, the best husband, and the best healthy child at the same time. I have this fear of not feeling like I deserve all 3. And this is the trauma that causes me to almost self-sabotage my relationships.
I kind of knew about this and at one point the fear of losing my mom because I had a boyfriend was too much. It was eating me alive.
But it’s time to reframe and work on this trauma too. I was also telling her that honestly it feels like the healing is choosing me, not that I’m choosing the healing and that’s because like I said, I know this my becoming time.
Today:
I’ve been feeling a little demotivated to go to the gym or walk outside and my weight is at a stand-still. Idk I need to motivate myself again and just remember I got this. That I’ve already achieved my goals.
So I did clean my room today, to almost mark starting fresh. But my room still needs a makeover. It just doesn’t feel beautiful. It just feels like there’s stuff inside; however, it is clean which is making my brain feel less cluttered.
Overall, I’m also just feeling thankful to the universe. I feel like I have so much patience and trust right now that whatever is meant for me will find me no matter what. And that I just need to focus on staying consistent.
8/10 - Need to get back on top of my A game.
