10/18 - Not feeling bitter
One of my best friends from college got engaged today! She’s the first one from my friends and 1 more is happening in a month, and then another one is happening next summer.
Raw honest thoughts - before I put the ring on as happy as I would be for them, a part of me couldn’t help but feel a little worried. Like I’ve mentioned in the previous entries, I always knew this year was the year I wanted to get engaged. 2 years ago! And tbh that’s how I would date. Literally I would ask them, like hey, I’m not trying to get engaged tomorrow, but I am in that mindset and I want someone that’s in the same mindset. You can’t get someone that’s not ready for that part of their life to be ready, no matter how good you are. And lolol that’s where things went wrong. N and J both said they were ready during the infatuation stage and then freaked out about it.
I’ve always questioned myself about it… did I go about it wrong? Is it that wrong to find someone that’s in the same timeline as you? Like I’m not saying to marry them even if you don’t like them. Obviously, they still need to be your person at the end of the day.
But I feel like N saying yes, he’s in that stage and then being like no I need another 5 years was dumb.
And I feel like J saying he was also ready, but literally not even closely being mentally there was also dumb.
And V… idk. He was super ready. I was the one that wasn’t ready at that time. But I always thought he only wanted to marry me because he wanted to get married.
So overall, I did get 2 sides to this. Being with someone that was super ready and I was the one that was given a timeline/ultimatum, and then on the other hand I was the one that was giving the timeline.
I still don’t know a conclusive stance on this yet… but for now, I think I want to find both. I realized guys will literally say anything to get the girl. So I’m actually going to wait for them to ask me what my timeline is and date only people that say they would like to get married soon or are at least in that mindset. Because yes, there is a difference. People that are ready move differently. People who aren’t ready are way more selfish because they don’t care.
And then.. I’m going to take it day by day. I just need someone in the same mindset. But I’m not going to put an actual timeline. I’m going to then date to be happy and play it by ear. It’s okay if I want to break things off with them after a while.
Anyways, back to my friend getting engaged. I feel like I’m actually genuinely happy for them. They’ve been dating for years and it just feels deserving. Me dating someone for a year and getting engaged before them didn’t feel deserving or right. In fact, all the people that are about to get engaged have been together for a while, so it just feels right.
A slight part of me just wonders when I’m going to find my person but I know I will and when my time comes. It will be just right as well.
Although, no one talks about it but all your friends getting engaged and being single is actually something that’s hard. It truly just make you feel “behind” when you know you’re not mentally. Like there’s an unnecessary sense of pressure.
9/10 - Happy for my friends!
