11/23 - Boundaries with parents

Last night I was having so much anxiety, almost like I need to find a way to make the house thing happen. And this morning I was just feeling all types of overwelhmed. Part of me was feeling guilty that I couldn’t give my mom what she wanted. The other part of me was feeling selfish. And the last part of me was just feeling helpless, like it was beyond my control. I honestly just rotted in bed in the morning because of how stressed I was feeling and then decided to finally get up and go on a walk. While I was on my walk I started crying because I was like “how can i get money? I need to find ways to get money now! I need to make mom’s dreams come true now! God please show me way to get money.” For a second I was thinking of it as maybe this was the motivation I needed. But I almost just felt restless, and just wanted it to happen so badly now. Basically chasing it.

And that’s when it hit me.

This is the very thing that’s been ruining my life until now. My mom expressing her desires onto me and me feeling like I need to make them happen or I’m failing in providing for her.

Example:

Before my mom said anything, I was always detached when it came to marriage. I was like it’ll happen when it happens. I’m not in a rush.

And then she started to somehow convince me that I need to find someone to get married to soon because she was getting old and seeing her health get worse, I didn’t question it. Like she had a point and it’s my responsibility to make this happen for her. And it’s not like I didn’t want it to happen. But by her constantly reminding me of it and putting emotional reasons behind it, I went from being detached to again almost feeling desperate to make it happen.

And THIS is what led to me being in unhealthy relationships and accepting the bare minimum. Because of her timeline, I put a timeline on my relationships and just became desperate to get married so I can fulfill my responsibility for my mom.

The only reason why she laid off of it right now is because she saw what dating back to back put me through and the misery I am in right now. It took her me ruining myself to know that I shouldn’t have chased it to begin with.

The feelings behind all this is so much that I don’t even think I’m explaining this all gravely to the point I felt it.

SHE IS WHAT MADE ME OBSESSED, ANXIOUS rather than detached.

Even for this house situation right now. It just doesn’t make sense for me right now. One, I don’t want to be a home owner. Two, idk where we’ll be in the next couple of years. Three, I would rather get a bigger house than old Chicago houses with mold. So for me personally, I was detached up until now. Like if it makes sense, sure, it’ll happen. I’m not chasing it.

But by constantly telling me about it and adding emotional manipulation behind it, she created an urgency and put me in so much stress.

And that’s when I realized, if I don’t stop this now, she’s always going to do this. Say I get married, get the house, etc. Then she’s going to do the same thing for a kid and put me in so much stress to conceive when I might be having issues or might just not be ready.

So it has to stop now. She can’t force her wishes to be my wishes.

If she wants to have a son-in-law she can manifest that on her own, without putting pressure on me. Same thing for a house. I’m the one that’s going to buy it. If she wants one, she can manifest it for herself.

Her putting her own wishes on me creates an unalignment in my life. It’s not what I want right now or may ever want. Without any pressure I put my wishes and stay detached for them and if there’s an alignment, it’ll happen. Her wishes aren’t on my life timeline.

More than anything. This was a huge lesson for myself on boundaries. Literally a lack of boundaries is what ruined the last 3 years of my dating life.

On the other note, I decided to have a silent treatment with my mom. (working on this) and decided to stay in to get some work done.

8/10 - Still shook from yesterday and today but happy because this was definitely growth

Intuition - If I didn’t learn this lesson, I would have been repeating my past mistakes. This growth feels right. Like I learned the thing I needed to learn and passed the test.