12/15 - goodbye N
I finally said goodbye to N today. And what this actually means is the hope of him coming back into my life. Part of me felt like the whole reason why I decided to be single for a couple of months was because I was supposed to reunite with N, and the other part of me felt like I need to let him go to allow my actual person to enter in my life.
So I gave the universe until Santa Con and even an extension of maybe until I left SF. I did not want to carry any baggage into the new year, so either he was meant to be in my life or I need to let him go.
And I waited until the very last minute. Literally until I boarded. But I didn’t see him. So it was time to say goodbye and to do this I wrote a letter to him at the airport while I waiting to board.
While writing the letter, I realized I actually no longer had love for him. It wasn’t out of emotions at all. It was just to maybe make my Bollywood stories come to life. But deep down I knew I could never forget him and that If I actually ran into him it would just complicate things in my head and cause an unnecessary hinderance in my healing, also even when I was with him, I actually didn’t feel like he was my person. He was good, but not my person.
Saying Goodbye was actually easier than I thought because yesterday I thought I was going through a whole breakup, but today the fact that my person is someone new and they can be anyone just excited me much more. Some one that hasn’t hurt my in my past, someone I am choosing, someone that universe told me to heal for. And I could learn about someone new, all this just felt too exciting knowing that now my dreams of my person are limitless. With the possibility of being N, I was again almost compromising on some things knowing his personality. But with this new person, I could really have it all. A new start, and this also got me excited to date again. I’m excited to meet my person next year.
Day Recap - Woke up and my friends and I were supposed to go to her sister’s brunch. Before that my friend’s hoe comes to her apartment with flowers, mind you while she has an actual boyfriend, so that was eventful. And then we were supposed to bring mashed potatoes to her sister’s brunch but got lazy so lol we got $40 worth of mashed potatoes. Literally was shook. Anyways, we made it to the brunch. It was cute, we made gingerbread cookies, and they left to go home while I waited in her apartment for my flight. I got bored and decided to just go on a solo dinner date to a place I’ve been wanting to go for a while.
Going on a solo dinner date doesn’t scare me anymore, which is shocking to me because just a couple of months ago it was something I absolutely couldn’t do and now it’s actually my favorite way to just relax and celebrate as a way to close a chapter. Especially if it’s a place I’ve been wanting to go to for a while. And closing the N chapter on a solo date just felt right.
Randomly, I also decided to take an edible before my flight. This was my first time taking it by myself which also felt like a right end to the N chapter since he was the person that introduced me to them. The flight went by fast because I just knocked out and woke up in Chicago. Love that for me.
9/10 - Overall eventful and funny day
Intuition - I had some tears but this was the best thing that could have happened for me. It’s a blessing in disguise.
