12/22 - Christmas dinner
We had extended family come over for dinner today, so the whole day just ended up being super exhausting and busy. When friends come, it’s more of a potluck so it’s not that much preparation. But a traditional Gandhi dinner is on a whole other level. There’s like 6 types of hot appetizers and everything.
We haven’t done one of these in sooo long to the point where I don’t even remember when the last time was. I also realized how different it was to have a open kitchen layout, like until now I thought it was cool but seeing how dirty the kitchen was when guests were over was not the move. It’s like the guests could see the disaster live since we were trying to do the appetizers warm.
Overall, when I stop for a sec, I truly am so grateful to be able to create happy memories in this house with my mom. When she was sick, I truly thought I would never see that day again and literally longed for it so badly. Just something as simple as seeing a happy home with everyone laughing and talking and her having a level of energy to host a Gandhi dinner.
As much as hosting gives me anxiety, I think I’ve really started liking it recently. It just feels like my childhood pre dad leaving. We used to have sooo many dinners and parties.
On the other note - while I was running errands today I kind of figured out what was really bothering me about the stress I’ve been feeling. It’s like I tell myself I’m going to move like nothing is going to happen but I catch myself moving like something is going to happen and catch myself being cautious. And then I get even more stressed about it but it feels wrong to not be cautious. Example: I tell myself I’m not going to move. I love my house and Chicago, but catch myself refusing to buy more things for the house just in case I do have to move. It’s causing a disturbance in peace.
Too exhausted to reflect on it today, so will reflect on it tomorrow.
8/10 - Tired but good day overall
Intuition - Maybe I’m supposed to learn something from the disturbance in peace.
