1/11 - detaching from my mom
Okay verdic on the edible is that yes, it actually activates my anxiety. I went to bed feeling pretty calm and then just started crying BUT I did realize something very important. I feel like I was able to do something that I thought I could never do. Lately, I’ve been detaching from everything. Everything that means the world to me, but after seeing my mom go through so much, I was like no way I can ever detach from her.
Yesterday, I realized my mom’s soul is actually connected to mine that even without her being there, she will always be there. She’s like god, where I can’t see him, but I can feel him. My mom will always be with me no matter where I am. And of course it hurts even thinking of the possibility of her not being with me physically but I know I’ll never be alone. It’s like right now where I’m not holding her 24/7 but her presence is in the house.
In laws of the universe, detachment is necessary because everything is temporary. I always thought it would be “not caring” about anything. And that’s impossible. Because literally I’m filled with emotions and am such an empath.
It’s realizing that every feeling is actually within me. It’s attaching to the feeling. That no one can take away from you and letting go of the actual objects that represent it.
And I think about this because back when I was doing my Diwali journals I was like I moved into a much better house but the feeling was home was always the same. If anything it was better in the old house because there were more people with my neighbors. That feeling of home came from my mom, she is my home.
My mom - she’s my soul connection. Dead or alive, she will always be with me.
My house - my mom is home. I will never lose the feeling of home just being I’m leaving my current structure.
Chicago - my love for it based on my memories, not the actual city. No one take away my memories for it.
Love - I love myself more than anyone can love me. So love can not be taken away from me. Only people.
Safety - I’m so grounded in my own body, that I feel safe literally just holding onto myself.
Friends - It comes from support. Those that support me will always come for me as long as I’m being supportive. It’s a natural energy exchange in the world. Community can be found anywhere.
For the longest, I was like if I’m detaching from everything does that mean I’m telling the universe I’m strong enough to be myself and that he can take everything from me and I’ll still survive. In this case, isn’t it better to be weak and helpless?
But I’m starting to think that if anything this is just making more more grounded and eliminating anything that holds me back. My whole life I was scared of instability. As long as I have myself that’s the only familiarity I need. I’m still allowed to pray and if anything now I’m like I trust you god. Of course, I don’t want to live without my mom. Just the thought of it brings instant tears, but I think I’m grounded in the feeling that I’ll be okay no matter what and she won’t be going anywhere.
I’m learning how to love without attachment. This was literally my biggest question for months. And I finally have the answer..
And the other note, before I was about to go hangout with my friends, the girl living in my house told me she’s moving out on Feb 1. For a bit this sent me in a spiral because I was convinced that I needed someone else in the house to make sure my mom is safe and healthy. Me by myself just feels like a lot of pressure and the house just feels lonely. I started crying and just got worried is my mom was going to be in harm, especially now that I’m learning to detach from her too. Like why is god teaching me all these things? Is something bad about to happen?
But then way I consoled myself is, maybe god is doing this to keep us safe. I always had a bad gut feeling about her, and Idk why but I just can’t explain it. Maybe god is teaching me that I truly don’t need anyone to keep my mom safe and that I don’t need to fall into a bunch of suspicions. Last of all, maybe I’m learning all this to finally teach. It’s not to prepare me for war. It’s to complete my healing and get ready for a safe and fulfilling relationship, because learning how to love without attachment is so important. And my mom is the only person I love.
My friend came in the car when I was processing and I just started crying. The past few days have just been a lot. But we continued to go to my other friend’s house because she was having a bad time too, especially with her grandpa in the hospital. We did a food crawl, got pizza, a chimichangas, and brownie sundae while we watched Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani. It was very wholesome.
7/10 -Very unstable emotional day. Literally started with okay, reframed, another trigger, again reframed, still felt caught off guard, so tried to calm myself.
Intuition - I''m scared right now. But I’ll be okay. God has my back.
