1/12 - Praying
Today was a rough day. Today was the day where I broke down. All the fears and everything consumed me. Today I asked god to help me. Honestly, everything just seems like such a blur because going to the mandir. We went to hare krishna today and literally I started sobbing. I prayed that God would protect me and my mom. And that she was my everything. I started sobbing so much that my mom was consoling me. She was my mom in that moment. I felt like she was there for me. Normally, it’s the other way around where I’m always protecting her and telling her everything is going to be okay. But seeing the confidence and positivity on her face calmed me down. Almost transporting me back to when I was 5. Knowing that I’ll be okay because my mom said I will. You trust them to know. And my mom being so confident and not even worrying did that.
Growing up it gets hard to feel that way because you see how literally everyone is bullshitting their way through life. Everyone is worrying and no one knows what’s going to happen. You realize parents aren’t perfect and that they make mistakes too because they’re navigating through life too.
Being transported back to innocence is special. It also healed adult’s me’s worries by going back to young me.
While I was at the mandir, someone said I look lighter, which got me wondering on what’s working. It is the safforn water? The oils I put on my face? The internal glow? The tumeric water? The exfoliation?
The truth that no one tells you about glowing up is that you actually don’t know what you glowed up from. Because it’s a lifestyle change. Maybe it’s a combination of everything. So don’t believe anyone when they say “THIS is how I did THIS to glowed up” because to be honest they probably don’t know themselves. And also another truth is that you actually don’t notice any of these things about yourself. I don’t actually feel skinner or lighter. It’s just the increase in people’s compliments and attention that boosting my confidence. But I internally don’t feel a slight change besides my old clothes fitting again and me feeling myself here and there. But I also felt myself here and there when I was heavier. So literally if no one said anything, I would probably just go about life the same way. Sure, my confidence would still increase. Not because of the external compliments but because I’m proud of myself for showing up everyday.
Also, while going to the mandir randomly I was like maybe I’m losing the roommate a month before my lease ends because my friend is supposed to move in. She knows she needs to but money and her comfort is a concern. I won’t be charging her. And she’s in the comfort of people she knows her whole life. Maybe that’s her sign. God is giving her the answer to all her excuses but she’s still choosing not to move.
5/10 - Felt my lowest today and just broke down in front of god because I was begging for strength, but my mom became a mom. Felt like god was coming to console me himself.
Intuition - God is listening to me.
