1/26 - Testing my faith

I feel like this year has been basically built on me trusting god. Having complete trust that he has my back. Last year, it’s almost like he gave me the first situation and proved himself.

And this year even in dead silence where there’s anxiety. He’s asking me to remember he had my back last year and I just need to trust he has my back this year. He already did the proving. It’s almost like he put me in all that pain and then had my back to prepare me for this year. Now, he’s just asking me to sit and wait and have unshakeable faith that even in the chaos, he has my back.

And although sometimes my anxiety gets to me it feels freeing to knowing that the universe is beyond me. The universe knows what it’s doing. Almost like when you’re kids and you just trust whatever your parents do is right and it almost lifts the weight off of you to make the right decisions.

As delulu as I might sound, really trusting god and the universe almost heals the teenage and young adult me that felt like no one had her back and that all the decisions were up to her to see how much she’ll fuck up her life and her mom’s life. Which is probably what led to all the wrong decisions to begin with. They were all lead with fear of fucking up and like I’ve said before, decisions made from fear are never good decisions.

So just trusting. Because fearing didn’t get me anywhere. And I rather just be at peace. I rather believe there is god and magic. Because honestly those are the people that I’ve seen achieve anything. They have faith in something bigger than them.

Anyways, beyond all this overthinking I’ve literally just been taking it easy today and watching Sex in the City and napping. The week was draining, so trying to just detox from it all.

7/10 - Finding ways to ease anxiety but there’s a gray cloud over my head. Just taking it day by day.

Intuition - God is watching everything.