2/6 - Karma or self-sabotage?

lol I calmed down a bit today. I had a latte after a long time, so I blame it on the coffee for all the overthinking and anxiety. It’s crazy how after a day of overthinking, a day of a quiet mind feels like luxury.

However, I did wake up feeling a bit confused. The girl I hired is doing what I’m doing. She’s using the job as a buffer between making her dreams come true to pay the bills. She’s doing the bare minimum and doesn’t care anymore. She’s lying about being sick just so she can take days off.

I did all that. I moved to Chicago by lying but it ended up almost backfiring and my mom really did get really sick to the point I couldn’t leave. I am also doing the bare minimum so I can focus on my dreams. Would me firing her or confronting her be karma? Will I get fired one day? I just feel like it’s hypocritical. But at the same time I already put in my work at work, and it’s not like I don’t do anything. I just don’t sell my soul anymore or bend my back in the hopes for a promotion. I don’t care about a promotion.

The company does not align with my values anymore.

The problem I see is how can I keep someone that’s not adding any value knowing all of this? I definitely think I do add value. Am I self sabotaging my own career because I feel guilty? Am I hoping to get fired because I think I deserve it because I’m not putting in all my potential? How can I come to terms with it? Do I just think positive? Do I stop thinking about karma? Does Karma only happen to people that believe in it?

I have these questions because in relationships too I’ve “justified” my behavior and it always come back to me. I have the same thing happen to me and then I see how I was wrong.

Where am I wrong in the situation with this girl? How can I do the right thing? My highest self would be real with her and have a conversation with her, so she isn’t blindsided, but I wouldn’t fire her. It is trying too much? I don’t know the answer to that.

I would want someone to be real with me. I would want someone to tell me I’m allowed to focus on my passions. But the work needs to get done, that’s the tradeoff of having a job, and it’s my decision on who or what I want to pick.

The problem I see is that she hides. She’s not a heart to heart speaker. She’s scammy. She’s the good kid that does everything bad. And quite honestly I don’t like her because she’s not authentic.

But I wasn’t authentic at one point too. I lied too. But I don’t characterize myself as that. There were circumstances.

I’m stuck between giving her the benefit of the doubt and taking to her or ignoring it as it’s not my problem and have herself get fired because she’s not meeting expectations from my boss.

Like how involved do I want to get in this. Idk.

Anyways, I woke up went to the dentist again because of my tooth pain, came home and spent a lot of time with mom, answered meetings and worked.

I went to the mandir too just as a thank you, but came home feeling a little lost. I feel like all my blessings have been on pause for months. Sure, they’re probably in the works but how long can someone stay positive?

The year feels so long already and it’s only been a month. I feel like I’ve been single for so long too, and it’s only been 6 months (which kind of is long).

But am I not working hard enough for my dreams? I decided Feb 9 is the day, where everything is going to launch. That’s the deadline I’m giving myself.

I can’t keep having excuses.

Update - lol I chat gpt this journal and it brought some good points. God, I love chat gpt.

6/10 - Feeling a bit down, and I’m seeing 11:10 again which means I need to continue to be positive.

Intuition - Idk intuition feels turned off today. But mind feels strong. Literally idgaf if I need to do an all-nighter to make this Feb 9 deadline happen. It’s happening.