2/13 - unlearning all my trauma
Today, I woke up feeling better, so it was a work day with meetings back to back. I kind of found out that one of my coworkers got a “promotion” but idk why I was so shocked because my other coworker actually already told me about in December that they were going to give him like a probation period. For a hot second, I went into furious mode, like how dare they give him a raise and not me, but then I’m like okay… i’m already doing what I need to do, and I don’t want this additional stress. I want to live stress free and work on my own stuff. I’m not going to chase anything. It will come to me because I know I deserve it, and if it doesn’t serve me then it’s time to go. For now though, I don’t think I should leave right away. My gut is telling me to wait it out plus I’m wrapping up all my appointments.
Later at night, I went to go see my friend whose grandpa passed away. She was okay for the most part with sparodic cries. There the funniest thing happened where my dad called and literally it’s so out of the question for me that I was like ohh someone’s dad is calling. Without a single thought of it could be my dad even though it was my phone.
Somewhere in the day while reflecting on why I was just so scared and where it’s all coming from, I realized it was from my past trauma.
- Like the fear of my mom passing is because she was so sick to that point.
- The fear of not having enough income is because I’m the sole provider and I’ve seen my mom panic.
- The fear of not having my dreams come true is because my mom has sacrificed so much and I can’t disappoint her or put my suffering to waste.
Until now, everything that happened to me was to build my character. Like yeah my mom was sick, but I also learned my resilience and empathy and have sooo much love for her now. I’m not supposed to take away the trauma portion from this. I’m supposed to use the character development portion. Now, I need to act like it never happened. I can’t be forever scared it’s a possibility and can happen any minute again.
I need to unlearn all my traumas. And go back to acting with the ignorance of them never being a possibility to happen WHILE taking forward the character development I gained from it.
And that to me is new and crazy healing info. The child version of me wouldn’t just “overthink and plan” for it because she doesn’t even come up as a thought in her head. That’s what i need to do now, that’s where I’ll be aligned with my inner child and future me. That’s how I’ll get rid of all the fear.
So now, when I’m scared, I just need to be throw the experience the fear is stemming from out the window and talk to my inner child and do what my inner child would do.
Beyond this, if I need to have anything else added to my character development, I’ll face it when it comes to me with God’s strength. Just like I did with the other stuff. I don’t need to “fear it” “overthink it” “plan for it” just to make sure I can handle it if the trauma comes to me ever again.
Anyways, I ended up calling my dad back and told him the same thing. That whatever - I consider him leaving necessary for my character development. I’m over the abandonment issue and feeling like “ohh he left” so anyone can leave because although I already got over the fact that he didn’t “leave”, with today’s learning, I’m supposed to take the character development from it, which is independent but throw out the idea of anyone ever “leaving” again. Because child me doesn’t think anyone can leave her. Just cause it “happened” doesn’t mean everyone in my life is just going to leave me now. That’s where the trauma based fear comes in.
9/10 - Busy day but I feel like I found a lot of peace in my learnings, along with a sense of clarity
Intuition - I’m on the right path of needed to go back to ignorance and continue avoid the outside noise
