2/14 - vday, funeral, mendhi

Today felt like it had 3 parts, all very different.

Before 1pm

Today’s Valentine’s Day! And for the first time in a long time, I genuinely feel happy because for the first time I don’t have that lingering thought on the anticipation of what’s going to happen today or if I’m going to be disappointed or if I’ll discover that the person I’m dating isn’t right for me.

Today, it’s genuinely about spreading love and feeling the love. I’m not worried about me not getting enough love or the right time of love. And having the ability to feel this after 5 years genuinely feels so freeing. Almost like I escaped overthinking shackles and have entered a land of love. It actually feels like Valentine’s Day and the funny thing im actually the most single I’ve been in over 10 years. So while being the most single, I feel the happiest on vday. I love everything about it. Feeling it in the air. Seeing people post each other. People buying flowers. I think deep down instead of feeling lonely, it’s like a reminder that one there is a possibility that I too will feel this way with the right person because it’s possible. Until then, I’m happy celebrating others/other people I love. 

Just overjoyed with spreading love, I had one mission today and that was to make my mom feel special. so I woke up early and sneaked out of the house to go to Trader Joe’s to get flowers. There, I picked out the prettiest set of mini off white roses and orange gradient ones. I think I’m starting to realize that I don’t like red roses and my fav are off white roses with a pop of color. It just looks and feels so elegant. 

On the other note, I decided to just realized and trust god on something that nearing a deadline. Normally, I’m always an overthinker and a slight part of me is skeptical that what if doesn’t happen and what if I didn’t do everything in my power to make it happen. 

But now, while I’m trying to embark on this journey of unlearning. I’m like why wouldn’t it happen? A version of me that didn’t go through trauma or feel like she had to overthink to over prepare would just believe jt was going to happen, like there was no question it wasn’t going to. 

So I’m not going to over prepare, which is actually like the hardest thing for me to do. I’m an emergency contact type of person. Where I literally overthink every scenario so I’m prepared at all costs, so not taking precautionity steps is crazy to me. But I in my heart know I’m going to get it. And I feel it in my body that my next test is to just trust the universe has my back and that it will happen. I need to let go and just have faith. I can’t always have back up planes because that means I’m not fully trusting. 

A higher version of me has full trust in the universe, so although this is very scary to the trauma girl, this feels right and aligned with future me. 

1pm - 5pm

After coming back home, I quickly showered and had to take a quick meeting before heading out to my friend’s grandpa’s funeral.

A first I was just in the back with my mom, so didn’t see anything but then my friend started crying so me and my other friend went up and that’s when I saw the corpse and started crying. All I could think of the grandpa saying my name and seeing him every time I would go to my friend’s house. This was the worst day for my friend, so I just wanted to be there for her. After the rituals, she ran out, so we ran out with her and she lost it when I told her they took the body away. That’s when it hit her that she was never going to see him again. I can only imagine the amount of grief she was feeling. I know I would have cried so loud if it was someone close to me. Just the thought of it shakes me because I love my mom so much. Even earlier in the funeral when we were in the back, I held her hand just feeling that okay thank god my person is next to me and I’m beyond thankful for her.

Lately, I’ve been admiring my mom a lot. Like she has an aura to her, and her taking initiating is something I’m starting to follow. My mom doesn’t care what others think of her, she steps up. When she’s not in her head she doesn’t care about what people will say. And I admire that now. I think when I was little, I was so desperate to not stand out that I hated it. But now, I realize that’s what makes her different. That’s where she gets her spark. And I can’t help but think how different her life would have been without my dad or me. Especially me. She worries about me a lot.

After 5pm

Other the funeral, my other friend came over to my house to shower and get ready and then we needed to go to my other friend’s henna party. We grabbed taco bell on the way home, so ate Mexican pizzas with my mom after taking a shower. Lol I also just realized this is my second v-day in row with Mexican pizzas. Last year, I was okay with it to avoid J having to spend too much on vday. Lmfaooo I was being considerate. What a joke cause f that energy. I would want my person to have the best vday, so that’s the energy I will be looking for now.

Once we got ready, it was snowing so much. I was scared I wasn’t going to find parking by her house but my dumbass still wore heels.

Once we got to the mendhi, I think I was bit shocked. It was a little hard of a transition coming from a funeral to a wedding event and with the kids running around, I was definitely feeling over stimulated. Fortunately, after a while, the wedding energy started kicking in and we were just having fun. I got a simple mendhi design. Earlier in the day, I saw a video on how dressing up like your rising sign enchases your features, so I’m on that train lol. A virgo rising dresses like clean girl asethietics, so wanted my mendhi to match that as well. The pictures also all came out great and I did not end up getting my white dress dirty so win for me there. The groom came for a special appearance with some flowers at the end. It was cute.

Toward’s the end, my stomach also started to hurt. This week has really thrown my body through the window. I can just feel it so inflamed.

The roads ended up being so bad that she decided to sleep over. I was soooo exhausted that I literally just knocked out after coming up.

8/10 - Very eventful day and just a lot of transitions

Intuition - I need to have full faith on god, and I am on the right path.