2/15 - In the name of Bollywood

My friend slept over yesterday, so spent the morning with her before dropping her off to work. I told her that I saw a video yesterday that got me thinking. This girl has been single for almost 3 years because she’s scared that once she meets an average brown guy all her healing/lessons, self-disclipine will go out the window in the pursuit to find love. And I really felt that. Some stuff I learned this year about my worth (a lot was new) but the basic stuff is the things I knew back in 2022. I found an old journal that I wrote a couple of months ago right when I was only a week into dating N and the main thing in that journal was to not give this relationship any outcome and to continue to focus on my goals, which okay now that I’m thinking about it. I did follow through on for the most part. That’s why that relationship was healthy until the end, and why I “slipped” it’s because I could feel the energy was off.

So yeah, at the end I did become a version of myself I didn’t respect and then I did enter a completely unhealthy relationship, but like the girl in the video said, I am NOT the same person I was 3 years ago. And that’s a fact. It’s not an opinion, I’ve gone through different experiences and I whole different set of mentally change, and like I said earlier in the paragraph. I have learned soooo much more about myself this time around. I can’t just discredit that. I need to understand I’m human.

On that note, to my guy friend - I know he isn’t my person. I feel it in my soul. But ngl there are times where I do get in that “slip” like what if he was my person all along given that we’ve been friends for so long. And that’s my checkpoint. Because no. Like my healing series, life is not Bollywood. It’s only the Bollywood in me that wants to make a rom com come to life that’s talking. The minute I start giving him attention or start having the possibility of him is the minute I need to catch myself. And tbh I feel like I have. I shake myself back to reality that no, it’s the girl in you. You know he’s not your person. And literally that’s progress because I knew J wasn’t my person and I still went for him to in the name of Bollywood. The person that will be my person is not the right casting character for Bollywood, he’s the right person for my life.

After dropping her off, I decided I wanted to shop a little. I’m trying to change my style to Virgo rising. I really do think a simple clean girl look is when I feel the best, so decided to try looking for some things that fit that. I’d like to start looking like my highest self everyday too.

After trying to shop (why is stuff so expensive) also I feel like I get a set of clothes every season, and just wear those the whole season. Love that for me. Anyways, and then I went to my friend’s house whose grandpa passed away to check up on her. I just filled her on the Dholki yesterday, we didn’t really talk about anything emotional. Figured she just needed a distraction.

Went home and spent some time with mom. My landlord is coming for a walk through on Monday, so we need to clean the house before that I need to clean the bathroom today (ugh literally my only chore really but I hate it). But I’ve been so low on energy today and my body is super inflamed from yesterday, like it’s bad to the point, I need to figure out how to bring it back to life again. Unfortunately, I’m just craving sugar at the moment which isn’t a good thing. But after spending time with her, took a nap, and then cleaned the bathrooms. Sometimes I wonder how bad all the toxic chemicals are and how I feel need to avoid them.

I also need to get back on my routine with the walking because my weight is almost starting to stabilize again despite the couple of days of eating only liquids. I feel like it messed up my system, so need to get it back to working.

But also, I’m starting to freak out again about that one thing and am slightly just panicking, so this time I gave god a deadline. Like please have it done before that. I literally can not just sit here when it’s super close without doing anything. I feel like I need grace this time around for trusting even to this point. And now it’s getting super close. So really trying to stay strong and pray but only god knows how hard this is for me right now.

7/10 - Good and chill day for the most part besides all the freaking out at night

Intuition - God is testing my patience before I’m about to leap. Because this is quantum leaping behavior to have complete faith.