2/16 - Crazy emotional day

I thought valentine’s day was crazy, but today was insane with all the emotional highs. First, I’ve been feeling sick because of the antibiotics I’ve been taking. It’s killing off all my good bacteria too and changing my microbiome, so my full tolerance is extremely low. Literally can’t hold down anything I’m eating and because of that I woke up feeling really weak. And honestly not really having the energy to get out of bed and get ready for my friend’s Nikkah today.

While I was getting ready, I was putting on sunscreen and it reminded me of a time where I bought sunscreen for J just because I said it in passing like “You need to start putting on sunscreen, I’ll get it for you if you don’t” and felt the need to “prove” that I keep my word so I ended up buying him the sunscreen. Same with a massage, “you need to try a massage! I’ll take you next time” and bought him an expensive ass massage. Just to keep my word even though I felt like I was never getting the same energy in return. Mans never got me anything, but I continued to just because it would slip up from my heart and then I didn’t want to not keep my word. Even though it’s crazy to me that he thought I didn’t keep it. Lolol like okay… anyways. I have an issue with this. Like I need to be careful with what I promise even when I’m on an emotional love high for people or I need to be okay with not proving anything and literally it’s okay for me to turn back on my “word” just cause I feel like it. I feel like my current situation puts me in a pickle and I end up overextending myself. For who? people I don’t even care for in the long term. And that’s how he got to meet my mom. I was like “sure, you can meet her the next time you come” and even though I didn’t feel ready in my heart, I still kept my word. I regret having him meet my mom before I was ready and am almost mad at myself for saying shit when I’m on a love high.

Anyways, I also couldn’t find my necklace for my fit, so ended up being 30 minutes late getting out of my house and then went to go pick up my friend, the eta was showing a hour later than we were supposed to be there. For me, even when I’m late, I always end up coming on the right time, so I wasn’t really freaking out. But then my friend started saying things like “we should have just told my other friend” and “It’s on our destiny to be late”, basically she was upset and slightly mad, so I was picking up on that energy, and that’s when I started feeling some type of way about it.

At first, I was like in my head “okay… no one told you to come with me. I offered cause I already knew my other friend left and knew damn well no one else was going to pick her up. So this is what I get for always just picking her up without saying anything? like lmfao next time go uber to Naperville on your own.” Like I just felt like it was so ungrateful. She even started having tears in her eyes and because of that I started freaking out and going way above speed limit praying that we would make it there safely. I deadass could of gone to jail and lost everything with the speed I was going. That also didn’t sit right with me because I was just risking my own life, so someone I cared about wouldn’t have tears. Which I actually didn’t think it was worth it because at the end of the day she doesn’t even appreciate it. And I personally didn’t care about being there on time. It just felt like a lack of peace in my brain because I knew something was wrong about the situation. My hands were literally sweating while driving.

And then once I got there, I was on such an emotional high that I was running to masjid and just fell. I started bleeding and scraped both my knees and hurt both my hands. That to me was another in-balance. I was running for people and things that just weren’t worth it. When we got to the masjid, I was right.. sure some parts already happened and if we were 5 more minutes late we would have been slightly too late, but I knew I always come at the right time and she dis-regulated my nervous system for absolutely no reason. Tbh this whole morning would have been fine if I was alone.

Now the crazy part, all her other friends got their pictures in and we were waiting to take our pictures and happened to be last because other people were more in a hurry and she was like “can we take it at the hall”. That was beyond disrespectful because it takes 1 second, and that shows me that she didn’t even care about having a nikkah picture with that. Like that’s how much of a low priority we were. And this is the person, who we made a part of her first friend group, the people she calls in the time of need, 15+ years of friendship, the “pals” group. Literally it all broke for me at that moment with the disrespect. To think, I fell and risked going to jail for this. My intuition just knew that all the risks I was taking just weren’t worth it. It didn’t feel right. We ended up just taking our own pictures with our fits.

Anyways, there was a 2.5 hour gap after the Nikkah to the dinner party. Again, I refused to go to that from the start because I didn’t feel welcomed even from the invite. And why the hell would I go to something I don’t feel welcomed to. The nikkah sure, feels like a responsibility thing but the dinner party, absolutely not. She had even considered not inviting us initially which shows our presence wasn’t welcomed, but then at the mendhi her sister who is actually my friend got really mad, and I already know that if I don’t go to this she would be petty for life. But every bone in my body just didn’t want to go to this. Like I just felt like attending this was disrespecting my boundaries. But I still decided to show up. After the nikkah honestly my hand started bruising and just all the emotions from the disrespect made me feel like I was on the verge of tears. I just didn’t wanted to go home. That’s what genuinely would have made me feel at peace in the moment but this whole issue of being a bigger person or being mature and then my other friend’s energy was all just getting to me. If I was alone, I would have gone home. But this other friend wanted to go and just her aura was fucking everything up for me.

Anyways, they were running super late to the dinner hall so we were just waiting around. My other friend’s fiance was with us too. I got over being pissed and just started to have my own set of fun with my own jokes. At the dinner hall, I barely cared anymore. I stopped taking videos and everything. I just didn’t want to give her the importance anymore. A couple of hours later and it was time for pictures. That’s when I realized that they were just using my canon for pictures. lol MY camera. Like lmfao I can take pictures of myself at home. Knowing this - she had the audacity to be like “can we just take them in the dinner hall”. Like that’s how much she didn’t care to have a memory of her childhood friends. She called us to take pictures but then everyone else started taking them, so we were just sitting there waiting like idiots to take a picture. That’s when all the emotions starting rushing in and the pain from my fingers. Idk what came on me but I physically felt so repulsed to want to take a picture with her. Like who the fuck do I look like waiting to take a picture with you, when you don’t care with my camera. The amount I’m letting you disrespect me just keeps adding on and my body literally cannot. So I got home and just did everything possible to try to avoid taking a picture, hoping by the time I came back they would be done and we could just move on to other things. But then my other friends created complications and started making a big deal out of it. They started texting me to come back and then the friend that came with me got mad at me for choosing not to take pictures. They got mad at me for not just taking pictures and dealing with this later. Like this was blown out of portion. I was simply avoiding for the longest. If she called me again, I would take it without a scene but I was not just going to wait for her. If she wanted a picture with me she can come and seek it. Which she did and then I took it.

My friends can deal with this situation however they want to deal with it. My body and soul could just not. And the fact that everyone was just looking at me like I was doing something wrong and immature and causing a sense. When again, I was avoiding. My intention wasn’t to cause a whole sense for this. But my other friend’s decided to tell my friend’s sister (my friend) and then she started looking at me weird too.

And that’s when I was like I knew I should have gone home. I just knew it. I barely had the appetite to eat after all this this.

For a brief second I felt horrible for being “dramatic” but then I was like was I? because my highest self would not tolerate all this disrespect in the name of “relationships”. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but 4 months ago I actually would have thought I did something wrong just because of the way my other friends were judging me like i was being “immature”. Idgaf, I know my inner child would have done the same thing. If anything I would have actually left. But I kept the courage to stay all just for my friend’s sister. Just for B.

The rest of the night was awkward but my stomach and body was hurting so I was just miserable. Again, was it worth it? no. I would have been happy at home. But I stayed till the cake cutting for B. Now I’m done with my responsibility as friend.

While driving home, I started second guessing myself again but then knew and came to terms with the fact that I did the right thing. Where I went wrong is telling my other friends what I was feeling. That’s where I fucked up. I should have showed up for a bit, told them my stomach was hurting, and just left. I didn’t need to tell anyone how I was feeling to make me feel shitty or judge me.

And again, I’ve been feeling this for a couple of week’s now but I really just need space from M. Without her input today, I would have literally been fine. She rubbed all her emotions on me and fucked up my emotions. I literally would have gotten to the nikkah without panicking, and left without having to take pictures. Her judgements just weren’t it for me. Which is a sign for me to be silent and move silently again. And also decided I just need a break from all my friends and just need to focus. I’m not scared of being alone. Idc because I know I’ll attract whoever is right for me with the way I move. I don’t need to fear being alone. The universe will provide.

When I got home, J and M checked up on me. I just answered saying I was better, but I still feel the same way about needing space from them. And I don’t care to justify my thoughts or actions. They can think I’m immature or whatever.

I was happy to spend time with mom after coming home and that’s when she told me someone I’ve had on Insta for a couple of years now called to “ask” about me. This kind of shocked me because I kind of knew he was already interested cause he would like me on Dil Mil and Mirchi but I just never went for it because he’s part of our caste and I just didn’t want things to get messy. But I decided to say yes to my mom that I was willing to “talk” to him or go on date. Idk how I feel about this.. I’ve never dated anyone in my caste. It feels risky, and just knowing that the whole caste can know my business if I tell him to much and if he’s the wrong person to trust. I’ve always like dating random people just because they were no where associated with me but again I”m not finding anyone on my own, so I guess I have to give this a try.

For a slight moment, I got excited leaping into bollywood that what if this is my person? How would life look like? But then I pulled myself back into reality that I’m only going to be with me person now and I will take this day by day. We’ll get to know each other as people to see if we’re compatible. I can’t over extend myself for this person. I need to think with my brain, almost like there are 50 guys interested in me (state of abundance), rather than putting my eggs in one basket and over-pouring especially after all that I learned today. And I told my mom the same thing. I will not proceed if I don’t think this is my person, no matter how good the other stuff is. Neither do I need to find ways for him to like me by catering to him. Idgaf. I need to be me. Like I will straight up be like oh yeah, i stopped drinking 6 months ago just because I wanted to focus on my health. I do not need to change myself. I will remind myself this everyday that I’m perfect the way I am. And the right person will find me.

Anyways, last crazy thing for the night. The girl whose Nikkah it was texted me saying “I noticed you were down, I hope you’re okay”.. Like what am I even supposed to say to her after all the shit that happened. Not responding to her today but wtf. I hate it when I build a guard against people and then they make their way in. Like no, I rather have had you not say anything so I can continue my wall.

5/10 - Too much happened today and I feel overstimulated.

Intuition - I don’t think I did anything wrong. I was acting from self-respect and if anything I should be proud of myself for standing up for myself.