2/17 - I’m crashing out

I had an appointment today and then my landlord was going to come for a walk-through. I’ve just been feeling low with energy because of the antibiotics I’m on, so it was hard just waking up ready to go.

On my drive to downtown, I was having all these scenarios on how I need to act like I have 50 guys interested in talking to me. And then late last night I put my “ring” on to get into the energy of already having the love of my life and eliminating the anxiety around talking to this person. I started thinking of ways I can protect my heart and stay true to myself and just be open to the possibility of this not working out and it being okay. But then while getting out of the car and going into my appointment, I saw my angel number 11:10, which is always my sign to be more positive. Then I started going back to my lesson from 2 days ago on how, I’m thinking of every possible way to protect my heart and stay true to myself like I already expect myself to let go of who I am or be disappointed. I’m already hoping for the first just by thinking of every outcome. What if it just works out? What if I treat this like I didn’t have all those failed relationships?

During that moment, I kind of grounded myself.

My appointment was basically a conversation on how I need to induce my period. She told me to take a pill to induce it ultimately, but somewhere in my head I’m still determined to do this naturally to heal my body naturally. I did it until now, and I feel like I’m so close. I’m already losing weight. It’s just managing hair loss, facial hair, and getting my cycles regular now. So still debating if I should take the pill or try some sort of natural situation again by going on google/chat gpt rabbit hole.

After coming home, did some last minute cleaning and then my landlord came for a walk through. I really don’t want him to increase my rent so just hoping he thinks we keep the space clean enough and lets us keep it at the same price. I couldn’t tell by his face if he was impressed or not tbh.

Anyways after the walk through, I airfried some chicken somosas my comfort food and took a nap. Only the nap was a more like a crash out nap. I started overthinking everything possible again…

- Now that I know you attract who you are, am I the version of myself that can attract my person?
- I just got comfortable loving myself and my life and envisioning myself without a man, but I also told the universe I was open to meeting someone… and now the universe delivered and I’m scared.
- I’m scared I’m going to lose myself and start “people-pleasing”.
- Do I still have more lessons to learn before I find my person..
- This feels out of my comfort zone again to the point I have butterflies in my stomach and have anxiety, I’m scared.
- Even if this is my person, am I ready to enter that phase of my life again? literally I just got happy being myself.
- What if he sees me in real life and thinks I”m not cute? Can I handle this rejection? But the fuck. I’m picking him, he’s not picking me. With this mindset I’m still waiting to be “chosen” and f that.

I’m like literally freaking out, and I don’t think I’ve freaked out like this in a while. I feel my journal from 2 days ago, where I’m just soooo scared I’m going to undo all my healing. I WANT MY DREAMS TO COME TRUE. And if this is another distraction because take this away from me. Please, I want my dreams.

I daydream about finding my person and being with my person but putting it into action is freaking me out. What if we’re too different. Like what do I do then…

- What would my highest self do?

My highest self would chill the fuck out. And just get to know him as person. That needs to be my intention. Getting to know him as person. Remove every other aspect to this, like skip the dating/marriage, etc. Just do I like him as a person. Can I see him as a friend? Can I see him as value add to my life? Again, I just need to show up as my highest self that’s confident and authentic and go from there. If he’s my person, things will feel naturally automatically. I won’t have to force anything.

- Have I moved on from my exes. I still think about N here and there.

I think about him not because I want him. I know he wasn’t the best for me, and if the universe wanted us to be together before December was my deadline. And it didn’t happen, which is the universe clearly telling me it’s a NO. I didn’t heal for him. He doesn’t deserve me. I remember the little things that he did that made me feel loved. I need that as my takeaway, finding someone that loves me in the little ways, not love bombing.

- Who am I going to end up?
- Will I ever be happy?
- Are all married people compromising? Lmfao do I even want someone or do I just want to stay in delulu land keep dreaming?
- I have an interesting personality.. that can get a lot sometimes. Am I too much? or should my person just be able to handle that side of me?

^ Answer to that… at this point, my ego, my hyper side, funny side is all a part of him. I can’t change it, neither do I want to. I don’t have to be monotoned/proper. I have a personality. My person will be my person.

Part of me also feels like this is coming to me now because I showed the universe, I’m not willing to entertain any guy for the sake of attention. I’ve showed it by almost not caring about my guy friend P.

6/10 - The overthinking and crashing out is a lot but I need to get it out of my system to release the anxiety around it.

Intuition - I’m crashing out because I’m scared which is normal, I’ve been through a lot but I’m ready to find my person. If I said no because of the “possibility” of getting hurt then I’m acting from fear. I already have a solid game plan of just setting the intention of knowing him as person and then taking it from there.


P.S. I started copy and pasting my journal entries on chat gpt and lol I kind of like the feedback I get. Very therapeutic.