2/21 - The universe doesn’t care about ultimatums.

I feel like today I found the closure I was looking for regarding N. The past few days I keep hearing every reminder of him and until now..

1. I was timing the universe. Where I was like if we don’t meet by Dec it’s my sign to let go. But tbh I still needed space to work on my business and still needed to learn how to trust the universe. I just wasn’t ready in December. I still don’t think I am. I need my business to thrive. That’s my main priority over anything (excluding family). So how can I time the universe, when I see I wasn’t ready back then too… if anything honestly I was still angry at him in December. Even if we somehow magically saw each other, the timing was not correct.

2. And then I was like okay what do I want answered from him? What would give me closure? Is it if he regrets losing me? Is it if he questions if he made a mistake?

I’ve always had this crazy ability to just know what some feeling are feeling. It’s not with everyone. And I thought I was delulu but even my birth chart has I have insane intuition skills that are correct.

I already know the answers to all these. He regrets losing me every day. He knows I brought magic and light into his life. And he does miss me.

Until now, I was like okay if he cares and misses me enough he’ll reach out. But I also know the answer to that to. He knows me, and he already feels bad about leading me on, when I’ve wanted the same things from day 1. The situations we broke up for are still there. Even right now, nothing would change. He’s healed and he’s starting to realize that maybe I was his person, which is the same as me. Until now, I was trying to find other people to see if the feelings would go away, but they aren’t. And if anything it’s becoming more and more clear that I want my future person to be like him.

My gut also says that both of us needed to do our healing. And now the feelings are coming to surface but the situations are the same.

We can’t just “date” anymore. I need him to come into this wanting to be commited. I won’t accept him as “I miss you and idk where this is going to go.” Because that’s what’s going to close the chapter forever.

In order for this to really work, I need to be satisfied with my dreams. Where I semi feel like I’ve made it. Don’t have to be at the filty rich level but where my dreams are starting to come true and there’s no going back.

And for him, he needs to be ready to commit/get married and knows he wants no one but me. Where being with me matters over anything else and he’s completely healed from letting his dad control his love life.

We’re not at that point yet. He’s just starting to realize that he doesn’t want anyone else. And now the circumstances need to change first. If we’re meant to be, it will happen. The universe will do it when the time is right. And I have a feeling it’s coming soon.

The reason why I’ve been revisiting my relationship with him and have been thinking about him isn’t because we’re supposed to back to get right now. I needed to revisit it get proper internal closure. Where there is no anger or insecurity attached to it.

- I’m not mad at him. He doesn’t internally believe any of the things that broke us apart that’s why I don’t judge his character. I know what kind of person he is. Growing up in order to shape his personality, he trusted his dad, he knew his dad had his back no matter what, and that’s what gave him the confidence. That’s what brought success in his life and gave him the ability to focus. Until he met me, he thought his dad was a superhero and was always right. To the point, where his dad said his mom did kala jadoo on him and he blindly believed it. Having this hate for his mom that he could never quite understand.

My love and knowing he only left me because his dad said so, broke that for him. He needed someone he deeply loved to start that healing for him. And I needed to heal the whole situation with feeling like my mom was a hiderance in my life instead of my blessing. He knew I was right for him and he knew he loved me, but he wanted to test his dads words of “you’ll get over her”. Which is why he tried for 2 years knowing that no one will ever replace me. Explains why he decided to travel to fill the void and he’s still single. Now he actually knows his dad is wrong, that’s what he realized in December. And these past two months, he spent understanding that his mom might have not been wrong. She didn’t do anything. He healed his relationship with his dead mom. And now he’s realizing I’m his person, but he doesn’t have the answers for what will make me come back. In a couple of months, he will and he’ll gain the courage to come with me with everything he needs to have to not go back.

- I’m not angry at him for just not messaging me.

Because I know it’s not about ego and courage. He’s still ashamed but doesn’t have the answers to follow with being ashamed.

- If he was supposed to be in my life, it would have happened by December.

One thing I learned this week is that stuff doesn’t happen on my timeline. No matter how much of an ultimatum I give it. The universe and its timing don’t care about my ultimatums. Like the thing that was supposed to happen for me by today. Internally, I know it’s still mine and it will happen. Just cause it didn’t happen when I gave the ultimatum doesn’t mean it’s not for me. I’m sure there’s a reason for the delay. The ultimatum comes from an internal lack of patience now. It’s no longer testing to see if something is for me or not. That’s why tbh the December ultimatum didn’t do anything and just because I said I’m done doesn’t make me officially done. Clearly, I’m still thinking about him.

All I can do is ask for what I want. And show up as my highest self. That’s the only way to really “speed-up” the timeline. And trust. An ultimatum won’t do anything.

And honestly, this whole conversation with myself truly feels like a burden lifted. I’ve spent enough time with myself at this point. If I’m meant to forget him, it’ll happen. But I don’t think I am tbh. I was simply meant to heal every relationship with myself to become a whole person, which is why I don’t even feel like dating anymore. Neither do I need external validation right now.

My situation feels like Mr. Big and Carrie tbh.

I know all this sounds really crazy. I literally am cringing while typing this.. like how delulu am I. But I also know this is exactly what the truth is. My heart and intuition knows this. Which is also why I don’t feel the need to find anyone else. It’ll happen when it needs to happen. And it’ll happen magically.

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The other half of my day ended up being completely opposite. Where I found out the thing I needed urgently and then thought I had a buffer period, I no longer have a buffer period. I have exactly 2 weeks to get it. And now I’m freaking out. Until now, I had nope that it would just come naturally, God couldn’t do this to me. But now i’m questioning it and freaking out. What is God is doing this to me? What if all this hope I have is all fake? What if all this is bullshit? What if I end up being in huge trouble in 2 weeks? I’m literally freaking out.

It feels like I”m just waiting on this one thing, and my whole life can turn upside down. I’m scared.

I wrote my earlier journal while I was at a coffee shop in downtown after my appointment. And now I’m home, but I feel overwhelmed.

It’s hard to work on my business today when all this is running through my head. Like I feel stuck.

5/10 - It started off peaceful and now I’m filled with anxiety.

Intuition - God has me, and nothing will happen to me.