2/23 - Waiting creates resentment

In the morning, I woke up to a text from one of my friends (the sister of the girl whose wedding I went to) just apologizing and asking me what happened on the day of the wedding. That’s when I decided to re-reflect and write back on what exactly happened.

I told her that the part that was making me upset and building resentment was “waiting” to take a picture. I’m okay with not taking one cause at least I’m doing something else too or taking a picture because she calls me to take one (which she did) after I was doing my own thing. But just waiting is not it. That’s what builds resentment because it’s not valuing my time.

And that’s when I realized my biggest lack of peace and anger with J was that he would tell me he was going to call me and then I would just wait. Like I rather have had him tell me I’m not going to call you. That would align my expectations and I’m not just waiting.

I realized that making me wait was honestly one of the crulest things you could do to me and mistrust my loyalty.

Which also got me to break a little out of my deluluess with N. I’ve been way too obsessed for the past two days and basically living in Bollywood.

I have to think of all case scenarios and be realistic. Say N does come back and isn’t healed or the way I want him to be. Not only would I hate him, but my biggest regret would be waiting for him, and honestly, I don’t think I’d be able to forgive myself or even trust myself ever again. Or even if he never came back and I’m just waiting.

It’s okay if my intuition tells me that he’s supposed to come back. But I’m supposed to live my life like he’s not, and then if he does, he does. At that point, I didn’t change anything about my life, it just happened to work. There would be no regrets.

The only thing about this is that it’s a bit contradictory to manifestations and “moving like what you want”. If I was to move like he was going to come back, I’d just focus on myself. If he wasn’t, I’d move like maybe I should try dating someone else and see where it goes.

But also… I keep seeing 11:10 now, which again is my sign to be positive and idk how much more I can be positive.

8/10 - Feel like I found clarity on something that really annoys me in any relationship I trust.

Intuition - Take it day by day, but don’t just wait because that’s just going to build resentment