Step 7 - Use emotional regulation as a north star

Now that you're able to put your emotions aside and view problems objectively, use emotional regulation as your north star. This practice will gradually uncover your trauma, as each emotional imbalance signals a boundary being crossed. When you identify these crossed boundaries, you'll discover the true feelings behind what upsets or angers you.

How does this show up in dating?

Imagine a woman having a peaceful day when she receives a call from someone she's dating. He insists she cancel her family plans to spend the weekend with him, claiming he won't have time later in the month. This is a clear boundary violation. He's dismissing her commitments, implying his time is more valuable, and creating anxiety by suggesting she won't see him for weeks—essentially manipulating her into feeling she has no choice.

How to work on this?

Begin by noticing when you feel even slightly off-balance. Start your day in a balanced state, then keep a simple list. For example: "Mom said X and I felt angry" or "Date said Y and I felt pressured." Connect each incident with a feeling and maintain this log. You don't need to analyze deeply right away if you're not ready. Eventually, identify which boundary was crossed, then step back from your emotions to view it as a problem requiring a solution.